things I must have forgotten

disclaimer: if you're not into drama, don't read. may actually be boring...

After all those months of total conflict and angst, at last I can now say I'm quite getting over it.

No, the conflict has definitely not resided. As long as our dear chairperson never detach party affliations from council affairs and start being professional, I doubt if conflicts will ever reside. But that's beside the point now.
I'm actually feel better now (after so long).

I guess I must have found some sort of renewed strength after I've talked with my new cell grop leader, Ate Mai/ Val (people call her different names; Mai by my Christian org, Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC), Val by my college; I refer to her as Ate Mai).

After Ate Emmylou resigned as a staff of CCC and enrolled in a bible school, I honestly felt quite lost. Being that individualistic person who tries to solve problems on mere self effort, getting out of the box and start depending on another person and then being left alone again makes my coping up stage even longer. But of course, I could never tell her that. Selfish me. Come to think of it, I may actually just be needing someone to actually be "there" everytime I need to release every unstable feeling my environment provokes me. And for quite some time, I was actually back to my individualistic effort of coping up until ---

I never actually knew Ate Mai that much except that she graduated with a degree on Broadcast Communication and that she is the one who handles target area prayer group for CMC (a group of students who pray for a certain college to come and know Jesus). However, I can really say she had always been there, even before the elections. Her little efforts of texting me for updates on the election, on how I was doing after Bikoy lost (which by the way, I seldom respond to) actually meant nothing to me until now.

It's been two months since school started. Bible study should have been that long too but I never had the chance to attend even one, much more, I never had the opportunity to officially meet Ate Mai as my new cell leader.

And so, we decided to meet for lunch today. And yes, I told her my stories, ALL of them, from my family history, to my how I started to get involved in college politics, how my experience was with my political party, and our church ministry, the free pre-school we are running, and my dreams of becoming a SPED teacher.

I could never forget what she told me.

Ever since I ran for college politics (as Journalism Representative two years ago), she, together with the CMC target area prayer group, never stopped praying for me and Micah (the other Journalism Representative, also a Christian). She said they knew we needed strength to stand up.

She also heard the story of a drunk session during an induction of an organization through a culturally shocked first year Journalism student. This freshman told her that one of the drunk people commented on my strong personal convictions against drinking and smoking so they never really attempted to invite me to join them because I would never do such. "At some point, I felt proud kasi ok ka pa rin pala," were the next few words Ate Mai told me.

The next module for the bible study was designed to people who has commited some work for CCC, discipleship, target area, witnessing, at least something. However, she also saw the things I'm already commited to. There will be no pressure for me. Instead, "I want to be of service to you. I want to help you."

I've been longing to hear those words from anyone, that he/she cares not for what I do for them as a member of the council, that after all the personal attacks on my integrity and feeling degraded, I can still find people who looks through those things.

The trap had been so deep, I thought I could never get out alive. I tried crying out for help, no one seems to listen. There were signs of people hearing me but they too couldn't think of how to get me out. On mere solo effort, I try my best to escape when in fact had I looked harder, I would have seen that thin line lowered down to save me. It's a small effort, but I know it's enough to get me away from an almost death trap I've fallen into.

That afternoon, I decided to attend Movement Life (ML), a small fellowship every Friday organized by CCC. As I entered the Student Center and saw no one I knew except Ate Mai and Ate Neri, I actually felt relieved. Had I been used to being on top, I forgot how it felt like to be down below, that life when nobody knew who I was, when I could just stay as quiet as I want to be without anybody caring that I be such, that life of a follower and do nothing but to sit in a corner and watch. I never felt so simple and yet grateful.

It must have been a while since I had a chance to talk to God without doing or worrying anything else. I never felt so grateful.

I am going to be better.

There are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.
It's been a while since I've seen the dawn.
But this day, I will be experiencing the refreshing moment.
At long last.