Dear God

I am once more at lost.

A part of me wants to stay. I love what I do and I am even more excited for the things that I am projected to do. You've given me the heart for humanitarian action and I am just in awe that I can actually do the two things I love the most at the same time: reach out to people and still be in the media as You have called me to be.

http://highmoonmedia.com

But a lot of things have happened and these have gotten worse over the past few months. I have been treated a subject, not as someone with potential. The things I have been doing lately were the things she did not want to do. I have been treated as stupid for not knowing; much of the information I needed to learn were being withheld from me. Interactions have been primarily based on mood swings and I have become a sponge expected to absorb every bit of emotional instability, bitterness and inequality.

I heard them talking too. She sends her intentions of leaving. My boss tries her best to withhold her, make her come back simply because she is valued. Honestly, I cannot blame my boss for that, she really is a smart girl, even smarter than I am. But as I see them haggle about her future, I see clearer that I will be only be kept because she will not be around. And when she comes back, I will return to the same old me, a mere and without potential subject.

That is why part of me wants to leave. I want to try new waters, better waters in fact and see the role You want me to play in this world. I have been at lost once and I do not want to be withheld again of the things God wants me to have.

When he gave me an informal offer, people around me believes this may be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Who would ever get an offer from an international organization whose director is also a Christian. I knew this is You working. I would never get this connection if it were not for You and through Your church.

But I am afraid of change. I have always been and You reprimanded me often for this. I am frightened of the people that I will be leaving. Furthermore, I am afraid to see myself leaving without learning anything and not being remembered, not necessarily for being great but at least for being a decent person.

I know the former was a blessing and I definitely do not want to walk out from that. But I do know as well that this is an opportunity placed by no one else but You. I am torn. I wish You could just tell me directly what I need to do. I want to follow You. When I decided to give my life to You, it is no longer I that live but You who live in me.

God, I wish for an easy exit on this one, no hard feelings, no conflicts, no riots.

As I listen to myself now, I guess it's time to be honest. Dear Lord, I want to leave and move towards the life that You want me to live. Give me the strength to say I am sorry. Give me the humility to admit my inability. Allow me to leave and be remember as a decent person who really did not give much care of herself when everybody did.

Most of all, give me the strength to be able to do Your will.

Always,
Your daughter