A friend greeted me through Yahoo! Messenger (YM) tonight.
She asked me how I was and how my vacation had started. I told her how happy I am to be away from the people that had brought nothing but disappointment these past few days. It's not that that response was anything sarcastic or full of bitterness. I just felt the need to be away from all my troubles and think about things that would probably make me happy, like the street children’s Christmas party to happen this Saturday.
As she expressed how she no longer cares what they think about her, I told her the same thing. I told her how an old friend, part also of the group that was involved in that Wednesday morning incident, came to me to apologize for everything that has happened. Despite this, I told her that damage has been done and I can’t force myself to act as if nothing has happened. However, I assured her that I will try my best to be as casual and as friendly as I had been with them given that I get to stay away from them this vacation.
She commented on how detached and cold I could be. The one that has led the Wednesday morning incident even noticed how nowadays I would no longer greet him as fondly as I would and tell him stories of life. It seems that even he has noticed the changes happened between us and has made some sort of expression of sadness as I started to disregard even him.
I told her I felt touched to hear that, to know that even the manifestations of my nothingness and idleness had actually been appreciated by him especially when all I see based on how they had always treated me is a mere body necessary for collective action, nothing but a mechanism for what seemed to be called an ideology.
But it’s too late for that now.
If there was one thing this Wednesday morning incident has taught me, I learned to be as heartless as my mind would want to be. The damage control had been too late. The attempt not to inhibit pain had not succeeded.
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