to my editor

After a burst of tears, a word from God, further realizations along with moments that urge honesty last Sunday, I am ready to be terminated from work.

I am no egotistic person not to recognize how incompetent I had been in work. Working in the beat for almost a month now, I was only able to publish two stories on paper, and around six more on the net. With a quota of two stories a day, six days of work a week, this is a really low average.

I have had good coverage, but if someone else had been sent there, my editors would have gotten a better output compared to all the crappy articles I have done.

I'm no good writer, I always knew that. It's the love of writing that makes me stay in this field of arts but even before I graduated from college, I knew I will never be one of the best writers in my batch.

I have been a waste. The money paid for my salary has not gotten its worth.

Sunday work dreads me. In fact, I hate it. I feel I'd rather live with exact means in a ministry, than to be journalist.

Although to defend myself, my beat had never been easy. With officials who hate interviews, a bureaucratic agency and kill-the-young principle of certain reporters, I live with the story fed to me. I have learned to ignore or minimally use press releases. Very few press officers remember me. And I still have to admit, despite the stress and shame I feel every time I see my editor, I'm still happy I am in this paper. I am very blessed to have a very patient editor, and a newspaper who is teaching me of journalism standards I have not seen in any newspaper in this country.

The only reason why I have not resigned is because I know it is God who has given me this job. It has been difficult but He has shown His providence as well. I know for myself I will not be the one giving up on what God has given me.

Then again, I have never been great in this field, and my rational mind tells me I doubt I will ever be. If it God's plan to have me terminated, I am ready to accept that. If my editor tells me that there is nothing for me in this field, I am ready to accept. And by the time he tells me this, I have a lot of thanksgiving to tell him, not to make him retract but to recognize the good things this job has brought me.

If it is God's will, I am ready to accept my termination from this job. It is never mine to take.