making sure

After accompanying Lisa to UA&P, we went to UP in hopes to get my clearance and make sure I am to graduate in two weeks.

Crap. Long line for the clearance. As it appears, many graduating students are after a copy of their grades for the application for license exam. And since there were lots of students, the administrator opted to prioritize those who were for the purpose of the copy of grades. I left anyway.

I visited Ate Terry, the one assigned for the student records, who already exclaimed that I was cleared of all my requirements for graduation. As it turns out, she had been texting me and calling me at home to check and remind me that the last day for filing for graduating students is on April 17.

Funny. I repeated to her, "So Ate, gagraduate ako?"

"Oo naman."

"Pwede akong umatend ng university graduation?"

"Oo nga."

hapines :D

meeting with the professor

Given that I was notified that my EDCO professor is handling summer classes, I checked her schedule and came to the college in time for her break, which by the way is less than 20 minutes.

I checked her classroom and seeing that no one was there, I went to the department. There I heard a baby crying which only meant she was there. I waited for some time so that she could calm her daughter and it wouldn't be much of a bother for her. Her son went out of the room. Realizing I was there, he called out her mom. The child was quiet by that time.

"Oi! Ano na?" were the first words my professor said to me when she saw me. At least she knew it was I who had been bothering her for some time. She started explaining that she couldn't accept the papers I passed last week because it would be unfair for others. But then, since I was graduating, she had to think of a project as soon as possible. When I told her I was only aiming for the college graduation because we did not make it to the deadline for the university graduation, she was quite shocked. As it appears, she didn't know about the deadline.

Anyway, she wanted me to interview two Gawad Chanselor awardees for Natatanging Guro, ask them about classroom management and then assess the classroom situation as explained by the professor to answer the question why they won the award.

And since such project will need more time, the professor already gave me a grade so that I can graduate. I however, promised to pass the requirements by May. (Taga nyo sa bato. I will pass that requirement as promised).

And so, after everything that has happened, I'm still graduating on time.

I just found out too. I might actually make it to the university list of graduating students.

Don't you just love God for this? : )

desperately begging

For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I'm begging prayers to some people because of this incomplete grade. I've texted and called up my friends, my former bible study leader, my friends from my former university. Aside from that, I've explained to almost all missionaries we were with in Quezon the time I came back from Manila. And god, my dad has practically told everyone in church about it. Even my not-so-religious friends promised to pray for me.

It's not a habit of mine to beg for prayers, really. It's not because of some egoistic tendencies or whatever of that sort, I just don't like others worrying about me (like for instance my dad getting so tense the past few days because he really wants to see me march on the 27th). At the same time, it's not really my thing to share my struggles with others until it's almost over (unless you're my super friend or you exist right when I am in the midst of my struggles).

Then again, begging for prayers can be a sort of hope that everything will turn out well in a few days. And I guess it's like accepting I can't do anything else now. I've bugged my professor too much, she'll be pissed off with me anytime now. The only thing left for me is to have faith and accept that only God can do the miracles I need right now.

God, I really want to march on graduation day...

updates on that incomplete grade

Three days after trying to get hold of that professor...

I went back to Real, Quezon Tuesday afternoon. On my way back, the professor texted, telling me that she will not accept my papers to be fair to those who passed on time. Instead, she will assign a new topic to write about for completion. When I asked her what it is, she didn't respond and left me hanging again.

I texted our sort-of class president, Ate Alice, who has been texting the professor for me (and crap, how I love her for her support). The professor told her she will me emailing us for instructions on the completion process sometime this week.

Come Wednesday, the college has already submitted a list of graduating students to the university registrar. Weng talked to the people involved with the student records and they told her that although they already have a list of their own for the college graduation, they wont release it until they start doing the program.

That evening, I received an email telling us that the list wont be official until the Board of Regents approve it. The meeting will be sometime April 23.

I opened my email this morning to find out she has responded to my classmates' questions of the requirements they lack such that they were given the incomplete grade. However, she did not say anything about my case or respond to all my emails to her. Moreover, of all the emails I sent her, she never responded to any.

My friends from the college of education told me the professor will be handling summer classes (MTW 7am-2pm). That means I am sure to have an opportunity to talk to her and pass her immediately my requirements next week, unless she deliberately ignores me.

not graduating this April

I was scheduled to go to Real, Quezon yesterday for some church activity. Despite the fact that I knew I was in danger of not graduating, I chose to go there still. In my heart, maybe the enemy is just trying to annoy and distract me.

And yes, I was quite distracted but despite this, I saw hope when my professor said she'll be coming to UP this morning. And so, I came all the way from Quezon with hopes that she will actually be there and that we'd be able to settle this today in time for the filing for graduation.

She never came. Moreover, she never responded to any of my emails. texts and phone calls. I decided to leave my papers to the guard and texted her that I did so.

I guess I;m starting to lose hope that my professor will ever let me march on the 27th and damn, I really want to graduate on time.

i might not graduate this april after all

I checked my grades on the internet this evening and to my shock, my EDCO professor actually gave me an incomplete.

Well, I knew it was coming, given that I have not passed 2 papers and that IQ & personality test. At the same time, I'm not sure if my groupmates were able to pass our written report and evaluation. But that is also the reason why I talked to her even before classes were about to end, because I knew I was in danger and I wanted to prevent it from happening.

Amidst the pleas and whathaveyou's, she gave a not-so-positive and frankly saying vague answers to our problems.

And then, there's that incomplete all of a sudden.

I just have to say this, but I have never been given an incomplete before because I was cautious of my grades. Although I stopped aiming for soem honors and all that, at least I knew for myself I should not let my studies falter.

I want to say I hate my professor for doing this. I was expecting that because I talked to her in all honesty that I want to graduate and I was trying to prevent something from happening, she could have at least shown some concern or just directly said no and accept the fact that I was not to graduate on time. But getting this grade two days before they make the list of graduating students for the ceremony, is quite inconsiderate.

But saying I hate her puts me in a position where I'm telling myself I did nothing wrong.

Actually, in situations like this, I don't want to think who did wrong or who did right. I would want to think that this is something more of an unfortunate event. Nobody wanted it to happen but it did. At least show some consideration.

crap. I was able to finish my thesis. I did well with all of my major sibjects and a simple elective will cause me my graduation. I might have to start applying for call centers so that I can pay back as soon as possible the funding I received for my scholarship because I did not graduate on time.

pagmamakaawa sa grades

Apat na taon na ang nakakalipas, namulat ako sa buhay kolehiyo na posible palang magmakaawa ng grades, lalo na kung sa grades nakasalalay ang pananatili mo sa pamantasan.

Hindi ko naman minasama ang ganoon noong mga panahong iyon. Kung tutuusin, sa tingin ko ay nagkaroon ito ng humbling effect sa akin, dahil kahit alam mo na magaling ka, sa pagmamakaawa ng grades makikita mo na kailangan mo rin ang ibang tao.

Matapos kong lumipat ng pamantasan at namulat uli sa kulturang kayang ipahayag ang pagkakapantay-pantay ng bawat indibidwal. Sa tagal na rin ng pamamalagi ko sa pamantasang ito, siguro nga'y nalimutan ko na ang pakiramdam ng lumuluhod sa propesor para lang sa grade.

Kababasa ko lang ng isang email sa aming groups para sa aking EDCO class. Sa dami na rin naming nadali dyan sa online class, tests, reflection papers at ilang beses na pagpirma ng mga papel na nagsasabing graduating kami, hindi pa rin nagbibigay ng grade yung propesor.

Kamakailan, may isa pang estudyanteng nagparamdam sa groups at nagtatanong kung kailan namin malalaman ang aming mga grades. Kailangan daw niya kasi para sa scholarship niya at bilang hindi nagpaparamdam ang aming propesor, pinuntahan na niya ito at nagmakaawa na rin sa groups.

Hindi ko naman tinatanggi na nagmakaawa na ako ng grades pero hindi ko pa nasubukan sa harap ng maraming tao. Siguro, gusto ko pa rin mag-iwan ng kahit konting dangal para sa sarili ko. Alam ko kasing lalaitin muna ako bago talaga pumayag ang propesor sa akin. Kumbaga, noong mga panahong iyon, alam ng mga kaklase kong nakikipagusap ako sa mga propesor pero hindi pa nila talaga nakitang ginawa ko iyon.

Ayaw ko rin talagang mainis sa klaseng ito dahil marami pa rin naman akong natutunan. Pero, masyado na kasing maraming tinatamaan, masyado nang maraming nag-aalala, at marami na ring pumoporma para sa grades. Pakiwari ko, hindi na tama. Yung nagmamakaawa sa email, nasambit pa na kahit ano gagawin niya, makuha lang ang grades na kailangan niya.

Gusto ko tuloy isipin kung nasaan ang pagkukulang. Dahil ba naka-leave ang propesor ng higit sa dalawang buwan at pinilit pa siyang magturo gayong ganito pala ang sitwasyon?

Ewan. Gusto kong isipin na mabait pa rin yung propesor at hindi niya talaga ugaling mangbagsak. Ang hirap din lang sa aking tanggapin na dahil sa isang elective madadali pa ang graduation ko gayong natapos ko ng maayos ang thesis ko at nagingat naman ako na hindi pabayaan ang iba ko pang klase.

haay. gusto ko na lang isipin na mahal ako ni Lord.

something to worry about

No, this is definitely not about my thesis. And no, if it had something to do with getting low grades, I really don't mind as long as I pass the subject and that it wouldn't cause me my graduation. However, something might actually cause me of my graduation.

I have been mentioning here that I have taken EDCO 101, Introduction to Guidance and Counseling. And I must admit, I had a wonderful time, just as I had with my EDCS 101 class, Principles of Curriculum Development. Through EDCO 101, I was actually able to realize a few things about myself, like why I have a strong sense of individuality, how this has caused a sort of socializing problem, what I can do for myself given this attitude.

So what went wrong? (for more redundancy and what have you)

My professor was on leave from November to December. We were able to meet on the first week of classes in November. However, she announced that instead of meeting in class, she will set up an virtual class through UVLE. She also required us to attend a seminar to which we will pass a reflection paper. The deadline is to be announced. We wrote our email addresses in a sheet of paper while everyone was also asked to fill up an information sheet to be given to her.

By December, I was shocked to read an announcement on the entrace bulletin board that we are to take an IQ and personality test. However, given that her class was my first class in CEd, I was not able to make it in time. Instead, I visited her department and was able to get her two email addresses. I sent her an email through both addresses telling her my case. She never responded.

By January, I was even more shocked to find out that the class had already submitted two reflection papers and that there was a yahoogroup for the class. I and a few more classmates came up to her, explained to her that we were not members of the group and did not know about the deadline. She told us to wait for her decision.

Come March, she has not decided yet.

Since I really want to graduate, I came up to her on the last week of classes, explaining her my case and that I am willing to pass the requirement even without the grade for the sake of passing and not getting an incomplete. She however explained to me that the 3 requirements I missed makes up half of my grade, which meant I am actually in danger of failing the class.

What she proposed is to ask the class if it was ok to let us all pass the reflection papers. Although most of my classmates said it was fine, some emphasized that they were able to pass even if they were not members of the yahoogroup.

After a week, she reacted:

Honestly I told those who were late in submitting papers that I do NOT accept late papers because those were supposed to be done in lieu of the meetings in November and December and that is definitely UNFAIR to those who submitted on time. This is the reason why I asked them to ask the class if that is fine with all of you. I DO UNDERSTAND their plight but I am also for BEING
FAIR and JUST. Now, with what I have read here in the yahoo group that "it is not her fault not to be included in the yahoo group" shows irresponsibility and not owning one's part in a situation. Honestly again, I felt so sad because I expect students to be responsible enough. Well, being UP students we do not wait for what is to be done but we do ask what we can and what we should do BEFORE being asked. Again, I might be totally wrong to think this way. Besides, others have said they werenot in the yahoo group before but were able to do the requirement, simply because they asked.

I actually felt disappointed. Although that was not directed to me but to us in general, I felt like circumstances just led me to this unfortunate event and it's frustrating.

But then, she hasn't answered the main question here and I guess I need to pray some more.

feeling that vacation mode already

Actually, I'm not suppose to be on vacation yet. I still have to worry two things, my thesis and my EDCO101 requirements.

Although we've already passed our final draft of the thesis, we still need to wait for feedback on whether it's ready for binding or if we still need to pass another revision.

I'm also havign problems with my EDCO101 class requirements. You see, we were on break for two months (November and December). When we met on January, I was shocked to find out that my classmates had already passed two reflection papers and had undergone an IQ and personality test. These were announced through the yahoo! group and apparently, I was not invited, notified or whatever even if I had submitted my email address on the first day. Given that I knew no one from the class, I emailed my professor instead and she never responded. And so, I lack three requirements which corresponds to already half of my grade which means I might not graduate at all because of this.

Maybe it's faith or whatever similar feeling to that, but I know I will be graduating (or else my dad kills me). But I have to really straighten out that vacation mode feeling, because I am not yet in my vacation.

Camonst. I have to keep telling this to myself.

edco 101 assignment: affirmation scripts

This afternoon, we somehow came into the subject of committing suicide in my EDCO101 class, Introduction to Guidance and Counseling. The professor asked us to think of reasons why anyone would ever think of putting his life to an end and just as anyone would expect, ideas like depression and loneliness came about.

From here, the professor asked us to collect at least 25 affirmation scripts we've received during our lives. These scripts include thoughts of appreciation said or written for us, as well as testimonials from Friendster or whatever write-up that was written about us. We are to compile it and present it in our most creative and relevant to our interests. Although this assignment doesn't seem to make sense, it would actually help us when we feel down and think nobody appreciates us.

Procratinating (again) from my thesis, I decided to check out my almost inactive Friendster account and probably find something, aside from those I can remember like the ones from Christian, JM and May.

Anyway, I was going through my testimonials and then I realized how much effort my blockmates (my UST blockmates that is, since I never really got in any block in UP) would write about me and try to catch up with me when I transfered school.

Aji wrote about how I could easily get worried. May wrote about how accident prone I could be as she was able to witness much of the accidents I had been in (getting bumped by a car, asthma attacks just because someone played with pepper spray inside an airconditioned room, the bruises I easily get and my baking burns). Issai wrote about my "last row syndrome" where I was first termed to experience ADHD attacks because of simple boredom. Ainj wrote about how appreciate he felt when I laughed at his jokes. Even those who I was not really that close showed some signs of concern and miss to the point I never felt so appreciated in my life. (*tear drop. hahaha)

I guess my professor is right. With people like them to remind me of the beauty of life, how could I ever think of suicide!

ode to sir velasco

The professor in my film102 class suddenly decided to change the film to be viewed in class today. Instead of Macarthur, he chose the local film Sabel. He gave quite a few justifications for such a change and I did not quite bother to listen. However, the next few lines somehow struck me.

"My friend would have liked it, Professor Jovenal Velasco."

Sir Velasco was my professor in my film104 class, a course on film genres. He was a big man, always seemingly smiling, a leg quite weak that he walks with a cane. He said he was a member of Philippine Educational Theater Association (PETA), before he had a stroke. He used to teach acting, he proudly said in our class, and I actually felt quite frustrated as I see how restricted his movements were when we would see hints of his passion for teaching film.

I didn't like him at first. He was often demanding and I hated how he would simultaneously call students for recitation. I hated the tension as I often intentionally neglect reading his required readings because of my other academic load. As it turns out, most of his questions requires only practical answers.

I also remember how I commented how much I enjoy watching films except horror during the first meeting. The same day, I was assigned in a group that was tasked to report on horror and science fiction. Since the group were to be divided into two, I demanded that my partner and I be assigned for the science fiction instead. It was enough compromise for him and for my other group mates.

Unlike my film12 class, bulk of the class discussion focused on the ideologies of each genre, how theses ideologies change over time. Though conventions in terms of cinematography and themes exist, he greatly emphasize the importance of these ideologies in the making of the films.

I also often get bored in class since the reporting started.

However, as I was doing my part in the report, as I was watching all the films, I inherently started to appreciate film genres, most especially science fiction. I endured watching the gory movie Alien, the amusing Close Encounter of the Third Kind, even to that point that I bothered watching the 1901 film Les Voyage Dans La Lune though it was not required. Indeed, Sir Velasco had achieved what may be his greatest goal for me, to learn to appreciate science fiction movies, more so genre films.

I remember him commending my ability to argue and justify the words used and contents of our report. It must be the change in classroom, he often follows, promising never to hold classes in the basement area the next time he teaches another subject.

For my final paper, I was tasked to do a research on how the television series Encantadia depicts social criticism. For this paper, I was privileged enough to be able to interview the head writer, Suzette Doctolero, who not only gave me inside stories on the creation of the series but also toured me in the editing rooms and studios as her new series Lupin was to be on its first week.

I ended the semester proud of myself for taking up the class and having him as a professor. It was one of the best classes I ever had.

As it turns out, he will never be having a class in the basement area.

About a month ago, I received a text message from one of the film representatives informing me of the UPFI professor who died on a Saturday morning. Sir Velasco never woke up on the morning of September 1, 2007.

a culture of indifference

This afternoon, I happen to read a blogpost by a journalism student. This certain post talked about the current state of the Philippine Collegian (Kule). He narrated that when he was asked by the publisher of the Philippine Daily Inquirer how the Kule was, his first reaction was to say that the publication is "too progressive".

"Critical of the nation's leader[s]", he criticizes the Kule for failing to give "updates on what's happening in school". Moreover, he posits that being the official publication of the university, it only represents a "small percentage of the entire UP community". He goes on further to the conclusion that the editors of three years ago are definitely a lot better, as they had at least showed "hint[s] of decency".

He ends his post by saying that "sometimes we are too immersed with ideals that we fail to see what is real" and that it is "no wonder not many journalism students are interested to join the Collegian".

Dismay is an understatement of what I felt after I had read the post.

For one thing, the Journalism Department itself teaches the students to be critical of the nation's leaders, of the policies they make, and the current situation of the country for one mere reason, it is a responsibility of journalists to the public. In simple terms, communication theories call it "watchdogs". To ask for updates, pardon me for saying, is very high school. There's a big difference between the two.

However, given that argument, I believe the Kule never failed to give updates on the current situation of the college, as it even publishes the statements of the students councils on the issues that the university is facing. It has not failed to air the eviction of tambayans in CMC. What this student might be looking for is the UP administration's side, something the Kule has attempted but the admin completely ignores.

To question idealism is to question the very principles that is taught in our department. It is this idealism that has developed ethical and news standards. It is this idealism that graduates aim for the best, for a change in the system as they see the reality in our society. It is this idealism that has taught students to look beyond the fame, the money and work on the very essence of journalism itself, a public service, a responsibility to the citizens of this nation. To question idealism is to entertain a culture of indifference, a shame in this profession.

In an interview, my uncle said, "If I had known that Journalism would be defined such as it is today, I wouldn't have entered Journalism in the first place."

At first, I didn't quite understand why he was able to say such things, as if he has lost hope of the future generation of journalists.

After reading a post written by his former students, I hate to admit that he might be right after all.

* not so convincing noh? ako rin, nahihirapan sabihin. abangan kung bakit *

reaction paper slash balahurang papel

I really don’t know how I was able to conceive such notion, but every time a teacher assigns a reaction paper, I always feel like it’s one of those joke papers I have to do, something I wouldn’t really take seriously.

Maybe it had something to do with that relate-it-to-yourself kind of approach you are expected to use in going about the paper. It isn’t like a diary that anyone would actually be honest, now would it? I mean, how can anyone actually appreciate a relate-it-to-yourself essay with no juicy gossips in it? Seriously.

At the same time, let’s not kid each other and be blatant to say that in any reaction paper, there is only one objective of the student, to try to verbalize what the professor actually wants to hear.

Say, if it’s a seminar sort of gathering, the most common entry would be “I’ve learned a lot of things regarding this field because blah, blah, blah and I will be using it for the rest of my life.”

If it’s a testimony, “I’m really inspired to what he/she said especially when he/she talked about blah, blah, blah,” then ending it with that sort of thought provoking, emotionally appealing sentence.

On the other hand, if it’s a talk done by the teacher himself/herself, most of what might come out in the paper are points of agreement and not of disagreement. For a simple-minded high school student, why would anyone dare to disagree if you’re only aim is to get good grades.

Talking about all those high school reaction papers reminds me how I used to sweet-talk and play around with words just to make it sound “good”.

Then, why do I have to do one again? There must be more to life than this. (Imagine the bumping of the head on the wall)

Then I ask, what is the essence of a written form? Why do I actually have to write all these reaction papers in the first place? For the teacher to find out if I was actually listening to what they were saying, if that’s the only purpose I need to achieve, it makes the paper quite superficial, wasting printer inks and white paper. Think of all the trees I’ve misuse for all these nonsense. (I know. Ma’am Rara has gotten into me. I’ve become conscious of the environment. Yes, me, the patron of Ate Gloria’s take-out-in-a-styro lunch and plactic-cupped iced tea. How ironic)

It rather brings me back to media as a whole. In one of our discussions in our thesis proposal, (god. Thesis. Don’t remind me) is media a source of information? Yes, of course. However, it is not completely a source of information since it contains a lot of trash as well especially in television (and yes, in less than a year, I’ll eventually be one of those people working in the network responsible for such trash. Depressing, I know)

This makes me go back to my question. What is the essence of media? What is the purpose that media must serve?

In simple terms, to be a source of information. But unless it’s as brightly colored as Barney, it would really never sell. (I really hate Barney, that singing purple dinosaur that suggests homosexuality to children, that goes for Tinky Winky as well. What is it with the color purple in the first place? Haha, me and my children’s show angst. I call for the revival of Batibot! bwahaha)

Sell. Ratings. Business. (which reminds me of my very own business-minded, profit-oriented, marketing organization, the student council. angst. angst. angst) All these concepts deviate the media for serving its true purpose, just like that wasted reaction paper. Every space is power, and must therefore be used with responsibility. (reminds me of Spiderman. And being the Marvel fan that I am, I hate the third movie, bad)

If you had the opportunity to reach thousands of people, what will tell them? Will you say to them what they want to hear? Or what they needed to hear which will also serve the very essence of media, to make use of the space and serve its very purpose. (talk about good use of space. I just love Conrado de Quiros’ three previous columns. click here)

The reaction paper is a joke paper because I chose it to be.

Instead, make it a chance to address the issues that I think should be critical about, to be able not to conform to what everyone else is doing, to flop but make every sense of space I use up.

The reaction paper is what I want it to be; the media is what its practitioners want it to be, and never what the people wants to see, a choice and never a trap. A stage play will never be “poor” because of its audience; it’s the people who worked in it.

(Apologies for the side comments. I’m actually having fun with this. Then again, I still have to do my reaction paper. I really needed to convince myself to make good of it, now do I. Hate you Sir for this)

while in j199 class...

In the midst of a discussion on development research, sir arao asked questions about our fashion for the day:

(I was wearing a black spag strap top covered by a white cotton blazer, and mind you, my nails are in raspberry red)

Sir Arao: Ms. Teodoro, why are you wearing that color? It's not as if this is the first time I've seen you in that.

"I've been very inclined to wearing red and black these past few days"

Sir: Exactly. Why?

"Something political"

Sir: See. I can understand the red but black... oh well, the black shirt day for the killing of journalists

* Actually, that's not exactly the reason. Black signifies death of democracy. Red signifies vigilance and activism.

Jam, a friend and ujp chairperson, comments, "friend, di ko na-imagine magkakaganyan ka"

sa totoo lang, "ako din"

sam is back!

acad mode

It's been a long time since I felt it deep inside. This time, I really want to do excellent in my academics.

Sure, I still question the meaning & satisfaction behind all these awards, but this time I really think I need an exit, an escape, a scapegoat to every battle I have to face. Just maybe, I could get away from all I have to be.

And I guess, I've already found some meaning in my life, the why to studying and being excellent. This time I feel my sense of direction in life, the same one I lost months ago for specific reasons I myself am not quite sure.

But hey, maybe I'll be great, or at least the experience. just maybe