i'm tired

Last year:

I saw myself physically exhausted.

I was living each day one step at a time. I was sleeping for two to five hours only, even on weekends just to finish my articles.

My weekly schedule was as follows:
I would work on my articles due Monday morning (10 am) on Sunday evenings. We would have a general assembly for the student council at 4 pm, which will end around six in the evening. I would write my opinion pieces due Tuesday afternoon (2:30 pm) either Monday evening or Tuesday morning since I did not have morning classes for that day. My last class ends at 5:30 pm. I would be working on the photos for our magazine project on Tuesday evening to be checked by the editorial board on Wednesday morning (8:30 am). I do not have classes on Thursdays so that is the only day I could catch up on my sleep. On Fridays, I’d start reading five to seven court cases to prepare myself for recitation in my mass media law class on Saturdays (9 am).

Aside from my academic work, I also have my extra-curricular, the student council.

I never thought I would already be asking for a vacation just after two months of school. I was tired and I needed time to rest. Thanks to the long Christmas break, I would not have lasted at all.

This year:

Classes haven’t even started but I feel so tired already.

I had my internship this summer. I could not say it was easy but it does not also mean it was a nightmare. I was actually enjoying the work, the workplace and the people. There wasn’t an everyday deadline of article; I only had to do three in depth studies instead.

But aside from the internship, I have had the worst problems with the council.

I never wanted a fight, in whatever form or situation it has to be, but situations have and will be forcing me to. I see division in front of me. I see mistakes and smell intentional disrespect for each other.

Professors and students who voted for me are expecting something. A group of political activists has put the burden to make a stand on our shoulders. Six people within the council are drawing their strength from my principles and actions.

I feel so drained.

The world is upon my shoulders but if I drop it, I will cause an even greater disturbance. And for this reason alone, I have to bear it.

However, the burden is getting heavier each day. My ability to cope up is slower than how it should be.

I am in chains and I cannot break free. No, I shouldn’t break free, not until I have been let go. But the more I spend time in chains, the more I feel closer to death, to the death of my emotions, and perhaps the death of my true self.

I will bear the burden still, not because I choose but because I need to.

joy: ...

I knew it.

My advocacies are ruining me. I am truly becoming an activist, a person I tried to balance with religion and politics.

I have lost that balance.

And now, I am becoming the person I never wanted to be.

that tambayan project

The student population is increasing and this is exactly the reason why the college administration decided to take away all the tambayan, including the council office, to make way for two more classrooms. At the same time, the college cafeteria is asked to transfer to a sort-of garage area near the basement so that the present cafeteria area will be made into a computer laboratory.

The previous Council of Representatives (CoR) had proposals with the admin to relocate the tambayan instead of just taking it away. The most probable place for that is at the interior of the Broadcast building and Film building of the Media Center. As far as I know, they were almost getting somewhere until -

The admin talked to the “incoming council”, (that one-man show council) about the issue. If I were to assume, he must have readily agreed for the next thing I knew, he was talking to me about HIS PLANS to build a tambayan structure.

As he was speaking, in my mind I know there is something wrong. Thoughts kept running in me.
Why was I, the convener of CoR, not consulted about this?
What happens to the voting process the general assembly should be promoting?
What will the students say of this? They were not even consulted
From what I know, the previous CoR never agreed on such a set-up.
We are so in trouble for this one.

I personally know I could have argued the tambayan issue, if I were given the chance.

How? On what arguments?

For one thing, the admin promised the incumbent council that no tambayan will be taken away without a replacement.

May I note here that aside from the population issue, the admin, particularly those of the highest positions, do not believe that organizations are venue for student development. To them, as I see it, organizations are just a social thing, for camaraderie and nothing else.

However, the only thing I could say to him was “So you decided this without me?” “Yes, but hear me out first. It will all be easy. I’ve asked someone to do the design already. Jo’s family (Bawalan) business is with bamboo furniture. I’ve talked to her, and we’ll somehow get bamboos either for free or for a cheaper price….” And he kept blabbing some more.

The dean recommended that we aim to build a new tambayan structure at the swampy area near the Media Center. The admin has also promised to help us, in terms of paper work and financial matters.

Everything seemed to be planned. There was no room for objection, especially if we want this finished by the end of the first semester (October). Feeling left without any choice, I agreed, trusting his decision and hoping this would not put us into any trouble.

After a month, a new CoR started to meet. No one seemed to object the said project. Although I would say that the most progressive and argumentative organizations were not present, members of the CoR seemed to be quite open to the idea.

The design was almost ready. I started doing a marketing kit just for this tambayan project. I intend to create a separate bank account for CoR at the same time, separate marketing plans from the council. To me, I wanted the CoR to be hands-on the project. At the same time, it will not leave any space for doubts on the council.

I thought I was going right on track, until -

Melai started to work for the organization where I was having my internship. We have not really talked long enough after the elections. Now that we had the chance, she told me almost everything I needed to know, including that tambayan issue.

Apparently, the previous CoR intended to meet with the incoming council then. They tried to arrange a meeting with us but “he” never told us. It seemed to the previous CoR that the council never had interest on their plans.

“He” actually told us in written form that the previous CoR NEVER contacted him, so why bother listen to them.

Aside from this, as I discovered, the supposedly site for the tambayan structure is also the same site for the new CMC Library, which is intended to be built in the next ten years.

Through research, I was able to find out that the College of Education (Educ) had the same problem too, students organizations not having tambayan. They tried to market for finances, which took them two years to accumulate 2.7m solely from Quezon City Mayor Sonny Belmonte.

However, they have had problems pleasing the Office of the Campus Architect, and it has been so for two years now. It is an ultimate requirement for all structures to be of the same design as the buildings beside them.

Finally, they were given a go signal from the office. Everything was almost set for construction until our dear University Chancellor stopped them. To his reason, the students are not encouraged to initiate such developments. At the same time, even if the structure were put into place, there would be questions of maintenance, something that the students can never address.

If Educ is in the midst of impossibility for their project, how can we can our project prove to be amore deserving if when asked the same questions, we will not be able to answer.

Two. How can there be a structure in the first place if even the Office of Campus Architect knew that the CMC Library would be built there eventually.

Three. If it took two years for Educ to accumulate enough money for the structure, one semester (five months) is quite unrealistic.

If I may add another problem, the same number of organizations to be recognized by the college as it has always been. As of this moment, there are 18 organizations under the roof of the College of Mass Communication with only 12 organizations recognized. The logic behind this, according to the admin themselves, is that the college can only provide 12 tambayan.

I started to think that maybe, just maybe, we can retract our first decision and take the tambayan. As I took a visit, I saw everything too late. The area was already reconstructed as classrooms.

How can we be this wrong? How can he be this wrong?

I tried explaining every little detail to “him” but he would not listen. He kept justifying that we can still push for the project if we have a good design.

Crap. How can the design be the determinant for approval of a project? It does not even sound logical.

I know being the vice chairperson would never be easy, but I never thought I would be concentrated on doing much damage control.

Why am I here in the first place?

question

Two missionaries from Canada asked me separately…

Question: so Martha, have you and Jonell been dating?

Answer: That’s very disturbing, you know. We practically grew together, to the point that I very well know his bad habits and it’s just disturbing, very impossible to happen.

* As much as anyone would seem to be excited for me to really start dating, I'd rather not be paired with a brother. Kuya Jonell is my older brother image and if another person asked me the same thing, I tell you, I will be postponing dating for another 10 years... hehehe

When I ran for the college elections...

I really had no intentions to run for the college student council elections in the first place.

For one thing, it was never part of my plan for the incoming year. The council experience last year took much of my time that I saw myself doing lots of sacrifices with my academics going last on the list. As I was thinking, this next year, I would want to concrete in doing something for myself and for my academics.

At the same time, I realized my emotions had become vulnerable to the things happening around me. I started to have more and more disagreements with different people, a very unlikely attitude of me.

But then, I did ran, for two particular reasons and these two reasons had outweighed what I first intended to do.

One, because I heard a go signal from God, and seriously, that's what really matters. He did not tell me until eventually that I was going to win or not, but it really never mattered to me. All I cared about was to do as I was told. And I did.

The other reason, pardon me for saying, is actually because I did not want apathy to preside in the council. I'm scared to see that there will be space for apathy or any sort of denial in the present state of (1) the university, (2) the media, and (3) the society itself. It is indefensible for a member of the student council of the College of Mass Communication in the University of the Philippines to be thinking of the college a separate entity from the whole world when in fact, the college itself is just a mirror of the fallible political system in this country.

And I know that in my conscience I will not give up this sense of idealism that the university has taught me. And I will not let this happen without a fight.

And so I ran. And I won.

But never did I expect the greater challenges ahead of me, that I had to win when my partner didn't, that I hold the highest position from the political party, that everyone is expecting greatness in me, that I have to be at forefront of the battle of principles, and whatever I do will greatly affect those behind me.

Never did I expected the burden I have to face, and unlike any other burden, this time I really have to face the music alone and to lead other people in facing the same melody I am dancing to.

Did I want this? I'm not sure, but my doubt will never stop me from doing what I think is right.

[mga dinukutan ng litrato: bikoy & joma (as posted for Tinig ng Plaridel website)]