then again

I don’t know if it has something to do with my idle moments at home but I sure do feel so bum at home to the point that I think I’m ready to work.

Then again, it’s just the bum moments.

Right when I started my classless days (and before I found out officially that one of my professors gave me an incomplete grade), I had listed things I wanted to do before I start working, much of which are artsy stuff. I guess I was hoping to give my artistic side a chance.

Haha. I actually want to try sand art, shirt designs and henna tattoo. But mind you, I want to be the one who paints the tattoo and not the one to have it on.

And then there’s what others, my family most especially, wanted me to do. My dad has been bugging me for weeks to apply to grad school. It’s not that I don’t want it. I just feel it’s not yet time for that.

At the same time, my dad has been expressing extreme desire to force me to learn to drive. Again, it’s not that I don’t want it. All he does, however, is talk about it but never actually had the time for it. Kuya Jonell has of course long offered to teach me but my parents never liked the idea that someone else will be teaching me.

I have to say this. I have been bombarded with lines in relation to marriage, as if I was to get married before the year ends! Seriously now.

Then again, I feel so worthless lately, like I couldn’t do the things I suppose to do, as if my internal organs are not in the mood to function properly either.

And then again, I am not in my best state of mind I guess. Anyone care to join me for ice cream?

graduation

I recall when the student council ushered for last year’s graduation. I was unintentionally assigned at the front door, where the graduates are to line up for the procession, where the parents are to be assisted to their seats, where everybody seems to be asking for information and clarification which basically meant, I did all the shouting and something related to that.

I remember how hard it was to tell the graduates to fall in line. It seems like everyone was so excited. Everybody was busy taking pictures. Once they heard the music for the processional, almost all of them shouting in excitement and relief.

I remember the look my fellow council members gave me seeing that the graduates were miles away from being in order. I told them it’s ok. Once the line starts moving, they will realize it’s time them to move as well. Who knows, we might do the same thing when it’s time for us to graduate.

Haha. I was definitely not wrong. I saw Marian’s struggle to put us in order and everyone seemed to be too slow, including me that is. And once the music started, it was as if everyone was shouting with the same emotions I thought to have last year.

But then, I also have to consider that I was once in Marian’s position as an usher and was it hard as well. And so, I did not enjoy as much picture-taking as most of us did. The ones whose surnames were far from letter “T” and were not journalism majors were the ones I missed, like Bikoy, Tope, Patti, Ayeen, Preng, Jam (my cam didn’t work well when we tried to take a picture), Marian and Ruth (even though we were not in the same batch, I spent a year of struggle with them).

And so, the pictures on the side were the ONLY ones I got. So sad. (ahem, ahem. donate hahaha)

But I have to say this. I am so thankful Karol was able to find me at the end of the line (like 205th of the 210 graduates). If he hadn’t done so, I wouldn’t have had a picture with him. (Don’t react. What happened within the council for the past year is so over and we are now good friends, nothing more, nothing less.)

So this is really it.

* a few more notes of the event *

Since we came early that morning (which is so unsual for my mother who is definitely a late person), I spent most of my waiting time pointing out to my mother the people, which of course included the group leader, the professor I got so starstrucked, and a few other enemies (hahaha. kidding).

Of course I was hoping my parents would get to meet Sir Arao, the very first person to actually believe that I am somehow related to Sir Teodoro.

Again, I just have to say this but Weng and I knew from the very start Jam was going to win the GMA President's Medal Award, even if she describes how farfetched that could be. As friends, we always knew and she actually did.

Anyway, life goes on.

what a day

Today is my brother's 20th birthday. This day too, my grandmother died.

DVDs

After my almost-not-graduating situation, I decided to treat myself to sessions of movie marathon. Right after I talked to my professor, I went straigh to Quiapo for some DVD hunting.

So, ok. Now I'm admitting that I'm actually a supporter of the pirated DVDs but I can't help it. I love watching films, and this piracy thing has provided me the opportunity not only to escape from all the stress and pressure I feel, but as sort of personal statement that much of the Asian films are a lot better than the Western ones.

No. This has nothing to do with my activist side. I guess it must be all the intertextuality and semiotics present in Asian films which characterized the tastes of the Asian audience.

Anyway, after months of delving into Korean television series, I went in search for Japanese series this time, as suggested by friends who have enjoyed quite a lot of this type of series. Now, I've seen quite a few on tv, much of which I really didn't like, Hana Yori Dango for one. Although it did have an blockbuster plot, the lines and camera handling was pathetic. But sure, my friends have a good taste of films and so I should try seeing what they've suggested.

The first one I got was One Liter of Tears, which is about a fifteen year old lady who had spinocerebral degeneration. What makes this series interesting is that it was based on the Kito Aya's diary and so much of what the series had presented almost felt real. Later did I imagine when I was watching that I would literally cry a liter of tears. I actually enjoyed the series to the point that I have been recommending it to almost everyone.

Oh well. Having to enjoy the Japanese series lately, I guess I do have something to do when I feel so bum at home waiting for a company to call me.

making sure

After accompanying Lisa to UA&P, we went to UP in hopes to get my clearance and make sure I am to graduate in two weeks.

Crap. Long line for the clearance. As it appears, many graduating students are after a copy of their grades for the application for license exam. And since there were lots of students, the administrator opted to prioritize those who were for the purpose of the copy of grades. I left anyway.

I visited Ate Terry, the one assigned for the student records, who already exclaimed that I was cleared of all my requirements for graduation. As it turns out, she had been texting me and calling me at home to check and remind me that the last day for filing for graduating students is on April 17.

Funny. I repeated to her, "So Ate, gagraduate ako?"

"Oo naman."

"Pwede akong umatend ng university graduation?"

"Oo nga."

hapines :D

meeting with the professor

Given that I was notified that my EDCO professor is handling summer classes, I checked her schedule and came to the college in time for her break, which by the way is less than 20 minutes.

I checked her classroom and seeing that no one was there, I went to the department. There I heard a baby crying which only meant she was there. I waited for some time so that she could calm her daughter and it wouldn't be much of a bother for her. Her son went out of the room. Realizing I was there, he called out her mom. The child was quiet by that time.

"Oi! Ano na?" were the first words my professor said to me when she saw me. At least she knew it was I who had been bothering her for some time. She started explaining that she couldn't accept the papers I passed last week because it would be unfair for others. But then, since I was graduating, she had to think of a project as soon as possible. When I told her I was only aiming for the college graduation because we did not make it to the deadline for the university graduation, she was quite shocked. As it appears, she didn't know about the deadline.

Anyway, she wanted me to interview two Gawad Chanselor awardees for Natatanging Guro, ask them about classroom management and then assess the classroom situation as explained by the professor to answer the question why they won the award.

And since such project will need more time, the professor already gave me a grade so that I can graduate. I however, promised to pass the requirements by May. (Taga nyo sa bato. I will pass that requirement as promised).

And so, after everything that has happened, I'm still graduating on time.

I just found out too. I might actually make it to the university list of graduating students.

Don't you just love God for this? : )

still blessed despite all these

(disclaimer: if you're not so religious, might as well not read this. haha)

Every time I open my YM and my emails, messages would pop out from friends expressing their sympathy, hope on my situation and I guess I've never felt so blessed to have such people around me.

Come to think of it, this situation I am in is not as big as a matter of life and death to provoke people with such reactions. There's a lot of other pertinent things to worry about, like that rice shortage, oil and basic necessities price hike. But then, here they are, telling me that they'll pray for me and how I love them more.

This somehow reminds me of the book It's Not About Me by Max Lucado. In one of his chapters, he posed the question, are people strengthened by your struggles? "Your faith in the face of suffering cranks up the volume of God's song."

Maybe my situation, as simple as it can be, had somehow made other people look once more to their long-forgotten faith in hopes that their prayers will help me. Whatever, I am ready to accept this unfortunate event anyway. It's not a messianic thought to compensate whatever desperation I feel. If God will be glorified in whatever that is happening, I will smile and welcome it with open arms. Because in the first place, (Romans 11: 36) "[f]or from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To God be the glory forever!"

desperately begging

For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I'm begging prayers to some people because of this incomplete grade. I've texted and called up my friends, my former bible study leader, my friends from my former university. Aside from that, I've explained to almost all missionaries we were with in Quezon the time I came back from Manila. And god, my dad has practically told everyone in church about it. Even my not-so-religious friends promised to pray for me.

It's not a habit of mine to beg for prayers, really. It's not because of some egoistic tendencies or whatever of that sort, I just don't like others worrying about me (like for instance my dad getting so tense the past few days because he really wants to see me march on the 27th). At the same time, it's not really my thing to share my struggles with others until it's almost over (unless you're my super friend or you exist right when I am in the midst of my struggles).

Then again, begging for prayers can be a sort of hope that everything will turn out well in a few days. And I guess it's like accepting I can't do anything else now. I've bugged my professor too much, she'll be pissed off with me anytime now. The only thing left for me is to have faith and accept that only God can do the miracles I need right now.

God, I really want to march on graduation day...

updates on that incomplete grade

Three days after trying to get hold of that professor...

I went back to Real, Quezon Tuesday afternoon. On my way back, the professor texted, telling me that she will not accept my papers to be fair to those who passed on time. Instead, she will assign a new topic to write about for completion. When I asked her what it is, she didn't respond and left me hanging again.

I texted our sort-of class president, Ate Alice, who has been texting the professor for me (and crap, how I love her for her support). The professor told her she will me emailing us for instructions on the completion process sometime this week.

Come Wednesday, the college has already submitted a list of graduating students to the university registrar. Weng talked to the people involved with the student records and they told her that although they already have a list of their own for the college graduation, they wont release it until they start doing the program.

That evening, I received an email telling us that the list wont be official until the Board of Regents approve it. The meeting will be sometime April 23.

I opened my email this morning to find out she has responded to my classmates' questions of the requirements they lack such that they were given the incomplete grade. However, she did not say anything about my case or respond to all my emails to her. Moreover, of all the emails I sent her, she never responded to any.

My friends from the college of education told me the professor will be handling summer classes (MTW 7am-2pm). That means I am sure to have an opportunity to talk to her and pass her immediately my requirements next week, unless she deliberately ignores me.

not graduating this April

I was scheduled to go to Real, Quezon yesterday for some church activity. Despite the fact that I knew I was in danger of not graduating, I chose to go there still. In my heart, maybe the enemy is just trying to annoy and distract me.

And yes, I was quite distracted but despite this, I saw hope when my professor said she'll be coming to UP this morning. And so, I came all the way from Quezon with hopes that she will actually be there and that we'd be able to settle this today in time for the filing for graduation.

She never came. Moreover, she never responded to any of my emails. texts and phone calls. I decided to leave my papers to the guard and texted her that I did so.

I guess I;m starting to lose hope that my professor will ever let me march on the 27th and damn, I really want to graduate on time.

i might not graduate this april after all

I checked my grades on the internet this evening and to my shock, my EDCO professor actually gave me an incomplete.

Well, I knew it was coming, given that I have not passed 2 papers and that IQ & personality test. At the same time, I'm not sure if my groupmates were able to pass our written report and evaluation. But that is also the reason why I talked to her even before classes were about to end, because I knew I was in danger and I wanted to prevent it from happening.

Amidst the pleas and whathaveyou's, she gave a not-so-positive and frankly saying vague answers to our problems.

And then, there's that incomplete all of a sudden.

I just have to say this, but I have never been given an incomplete before because I was cautious of my grades. Although I stopped aiming for soem honors and all that, at least I knew for myself I should not let my studies falter.

I want to say I hate my professor for doing this. I was expecting that because I talked to her in all honesty that I want to graduate and I was trying to prevent something from happening, she could have at least shown some concern or just directly said no and accept the fact that I was not to graduate on time. But getting this grade two days before they make the list of graduating students for the ceremony, is quite inconsiderate.

But saying I hate her puts me in a position where I'm telling myself I did nothing wrong.

Actually, in situations like this, I don't want to think who did wrong or who did right. I would want to think that this is something more of an unfortunate event. Nobody wanted it to happen but it did. At least show some consideration.

crap. I was able to finish my thesis. I did well with all of my major sibjects and a simple elective will cause me my graduation. I might have to start applying for call centers so that I can pay back as soon as possible the funding I received for my scholarship because I did not graduate on time.

pagmamakaawa sa grades

Apat na taon na ang nakakalipas, namulat ako sa buhay kolehiyo na posible palang magmakaawa ng grades, lalo na kung sa grades nakasalalay ang pananatili mo sa pamantasan.

Hindi ko naman minasama ang ganoon noong mga panahong iyon. Kung tutuusin, sa tingin ko ay nagkaroon ito ng humbling effect sa akin, dahil kahit alam mo na magaling ka, sa pagmamakaawa ng grades makikita mo na kailangan mo rin ang ibang tao.

Matapos kong lumipat ng pamantasan at namulat uli sa kulturang kayang ipahayag ang pagkakapantay-pantay ng bawat indibidwal. Sa tagal na rin ng pamamalagi ko sa pamantasang ito, siguro nga'y nalimutan ko na ang pakiramdam ng lumuluhod sa propesor para lang sa grade.

Kababasa ko lang ng isang email sa aming groups para sa aking EDCO class. Sa dami na rin naming nadali dyan sa online class, tests, reflection papers at ilang beses na pagpirma ng mga papel na nagsasabing graduating kami, hindi pa rin nagbibigay ng grade yung propesor.

Kamakailan, may isa pang estudyanteng nagparamdam sa groups at nagtatanong kung kailan namin malalaman ang aming mga grades. Kailangan daw niya kasi para sa scholarship niya at bilang hindi nagpaparamdam ang aming propesor, pinuntahan na niya ito at nagmakaawa na rin sa groups.

Hindi ko naman tinatanggi na nagmakaawa na ako ng grades pero hindi ko pa nasubukan sa harap ng maraming tao. Siguro, gusto ko pa rin mag-iwan ng kahit konting dangal para sa sarili ko. Alam ko kasing lalaitin muna ako bago talaga pumayag ang propesor sa akin. Kumbaga, noong mga panahong iyon, alam ng mga kaklase kong nakikipagusap ako sa mga propesor pero hindi pa nila talaga nakitang ginawa ko iyon.

Ayaw ko rin talagang mainis sa klaseng ito dahil marami pa rin naman akong natutunan. Pero, masyado na kasing maraming tinatamaan, masyado nang maraming nag-aalala, at marami na ring pumoporma para sa grades. Pakiwari ko, hindi na tama. Yung nagmamakaawa sa email, nasambit pa na kahit ano gagawin niya, makuha lang ang grades na kailangan niya.

Gusto ko tuloy isipin kung nasaan ang pagkukulang. Dahil ba naka-leave ang propesor ng higit sa dalawang buwan at pinilit pa siyang magturo gayong ganito pala ang sitwasyon?

Ewan. Gusto kong isipin na mabait pa rin yung propesor at hindi niya talaga ugaling mangbagsak. Ang hirap din lang sa aking tanggapin na dahil sa isang elective madadali pa ang graduation ko gayong natapos ko ng maayos ang thesis ko at nagingat naman ako na hindi pabayaan ang iba ko pang klase.

haay. gusto ko na lang isipin na mahal ako ni Lord.