A friend greeted me through Yahoo! Messenger (YM) tonight.
She asked me how I was and how my vacation had started. I told her how happy I am to be away from the people that had brought nothing but disappointment these past few days. It's not that that response was anything sarcastic or full of bitterness. I just felt the need to be away from all my troubles and think about things that would probably make me happy, like the street children’s Christmas party to happen this Saturday.
As she expressed how she no longer cares what they think about her, I told her the same thing. I told her how an old friend, part also of the group that was involved in that Wednesday morning incident, came to me to apologize for everything that has happened. Despite this, I told her that damage has been done and I can’t force myself to act as if nothing has happened. However, I assured her that I will try my best to be as casual and as friendly as I had been with them given that I get to stay away from them this vacation.
She commented on how detached and cold I could be. The one that has led the Wednesday morning incident even noticed how nowadays I would no longer greet him as fondly as I would and tell him stories of life. It seems that even he has noticed the changes happened between us and has made some sort of expression of sadness as I started to disregard even him.
I told her I felt touched to hear that, to know that even the manifestations of my nothingness and idleness had actually been appreciated by him especially when all I see based on how they had always treated me is a mere body necessary for collective action, nothing but a mechanism for what seemed to be called an ideology.
But it’s too late for that now.
If there was one thing this Wednesday morning incident has taught me, I learned to be as heartless as my mind would want to be. The damage control had been too late. The attempt not to inhibit pain had not succeeded.
Friday, December 21, 2007
"Soul mates"
Monday. I was wearing a red shirt, brown khaki pants and blue slippers for school. I arrived a few minutes after one in the afternoon to meet with Weng to talk about our thesis. After two hours of slight planning, we stopped by the booth where the council was staying to raise funds for the outreach we were doing with the two Communication Research organizations.
Karol was alone in the booth. We were making our greetings when someone announced that the Neo-Angono Artists’ mural had arrived in the college. This mural had been tagged as subversive because of its detailed and direct criticism of the Arroyo administration.
Jam, Weng, Karol and I decided to check out this mural at the Film Lobby. As Karol stood out of the booth, Jam started to laugh. Karol was wearing a red shirt, brown khaki pants and blue slippers. Soul mates, they kept telling us.
Wednesday. Since this is also the last day of classes for the year, Karol gave out his gift to the council members, a bar of Toblerone chocolate.
Let me stress. Karol gave everyone a bar of chocolate. My friends seem to miss that part out and instead made a romantic joke out of our partnership in the council. As they say, it was a perfect love-hate, professional-turned-romantic relationship. No way.
After the lantern parade, we stayed somewhere at the Sunken Garden to eat dinner. When Masol and I decided to go home, Jam, Weng and Gladdys were imagining that we would bump into Karol on our way and he’d invite us to ride in his car given that we were using the same route going home.
As we were walking, a man greeted us from afar. It was Karol.
Karol was alone in the booth. We were making our greetings when someone announced that the Neo-Angono Artists’ mural had arrived in the college. This mural had been tagged as subversive because of its detailed and direct criticism of the Arroyo administration.
Jam, Weng, Karol and I decided to check out this mural at the Film Lobby. As Karol stood out of the booth, Jam started to laugh. Karol was wearing a red shirt, brown khaki pants and blue slippers. Soul mates, they kept telling us.
Wednesday. Since this is also the last day of classes for the year, Karol gave out his gift to the council members, a bar of Toblerone chocolate.
Let me stress. Karol gave everyone a bar of chocolate. My friends seem to miss that part out and instead made a romantic joke out of our partnership in the council. As they say, it was a perfect love-hate, professional-turned-romantic relationship. No way.
After the lantern parade, we stayed somewhere at the Sunken Garden to eat dinner. When Masol and I decided to go home, Jam, Weng and Gladdys were imagining that we would bump into Karol on our way and he’d invite us to ride in his car given that we were using the same route going home.
As we were walking, a man greeted us from afar. It was Karol.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
i needed to hear that
I’m not sure if people had ever noticed the extent of damage the Wednesday morning incident had brought upon me but one thing is for sure, I was at the point of giving up my affiliation not because I do not believe in the principles but because of the attitudes of the people within that group.
Thursday afternoon. I was with Jam and Weng drinking coffee at Starbucks. An old activist friend texted me, hoping if we could get together and have a talk. We settled to meet at 12:30 in the afternoon.
What should be a 12:30 pm meeting became a 4:30 pm gathering. If we had not met at the lobby by chance, the talk would have come a bit later.
He asked how I was, how my thesis had been going, how the council had been doing and all those other concerns in life. I asked him how his academics and relationships were. It was basically a small chit-chat.
Afterwards, he asked me how I was after that Wednesday morning incident. Not that I was pretty shocked that he knew about this, but I didn’t really want him involved, being the good friends that we were.
I told him what happened in detailed; how the ‘conversation’ went, what my responses were, how I told my dad about this incident and what his reactions were, what these people answered when I told them my decision and how they treated me badly afterwards.
He apologized for not being there amidst all these. He explained how wrong they had been about me. If he had the same plans for me with regard to the movement, he would have told me himself but he chose not to because he knew what kind of person I was and he respects that. In his words, it was stupid to ever refer my relationship with my father as feudal, as if they got no parents they care about, as if they knew not to respect others. They had been reprimanded for doing such.
He told me things had changed after I told them my decision, that they had truly treated me badly. He apologized for the turn out.
He apologized that I was told not to tell my parents about the incident. It was so wrong not to take what my parents would have thought about this.
He apologized for having referred a very good friend of mine to having problems in terms of ideology. In his point of view, how dare they judge her to the extent of accusing her with such. It was so wrong to say such things. Moreover, it was wrong to tell me that, someone who had been brought to the movement by her.
He expressed his hope that everything would end at that moment, as if nothing had happened. He assured me that the incident would not be spreading to other people. He also wished that we would all act as if nothing has happened.
I told him how pressured and disappointed I had been with them. Although I appreciate the apology, I cannot assure that I can act as if nothing has happened. Maybe in time, I will but this cannot be expected of me in the next few days.
I actually felt better hearing this. I know for myself I do not need to hear that I was right and they were wrong. I just wanted to be recognized of my viewpoints, and be treated with respect for that even if they disagree.
Maybe the misadventure had some good effect after all. So what if this was a sort of damage control? I was thankful enough that God had made me feel better now more than ever.
Thursday afternoon. I was with Jam and Weng drinking coffee at Starbucks. An old activist friend texted me, hoping if we could get together and have a talk. We settled to meet at 12:30 in the afternoon.
What should be a 12:30 pm meeting became a 4:30 pm gathering. If we had not met at the lobby by chance, the talk would have come a bit later.
He asked how I was, how my thesis had been going, how the council had been doing and all those other concerns in life. I asked him how his academics and relationships were. It was basically a small chit-chat.
Afterwards, he asked me how I was after that Wednesday morning incident. Not that I was pretty shocked that he knew about this, but I didn’t really want him involved, being the good friends that we were.
I told him what happened in detailed; how the ‘conversation’ went, what my responses were, how I told my dad about this incident and what his reactions were, what these people answered when I told them my decision and how they treated me badly afterwards.
He apologized for not being there amidst all these. He explained how wrong they had been about me. If he had the same plans for me with regard to the movement, he would have told me himself but he chose not to because he knew what kind of person I was and he respects that. In his words, it was stupid to ever refer my relationship with my father as feudal, as if they got no parents they care about, as if they knew not to respect others. They had been reprimanded for doing such.
He told me things had changed after I told them my decision, that they had truly treated me badly. He apologized for the turn out.
He apologized that I was told not to tell my parents about the incident. It was so wrong not to take what my parents would have thought about this.
He apologized for having referred a very good friend of mine to having problems in terms of ideology. In his point of view, how dare they judge her to the extent of accusing her with such. It was so wrong to say such things. Moreover, it was wrong to tell me that, someone who had been brought to the movement by her.
He expressed his hope that everything would end at that moment, as if nothing had happened. He assured me that the incident would not be spreading to other people. He also wished that we would all act as if nothing has happened.
I told him how pressured and disappointed I had been with them. Although I appreciate the apology, I cannot assure that I can act as if nothing has happened. Maybe in time, I will but this cannot be expected of me in the next few days.
I actually felt better hearing this. I know for myself I do not need to hear that I was right and they were wrong. I just wanted to be recognized of my viewpoints, and be treated with respect for that even if they disagree.
Maybe the misadventure had some good effect after all. So what if this was a sort of damage control? I was thankful enough that God had made me feel better now more than ever.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
misadventures
Stand UP had organized yesterday a charity concert for the benefit of the families of the disappeared.
So where was I during the event? at home, staring at my laptop waiting for some miracle to happen. What that miracle is, I do not know. One thing’s for sure. I honestly can no longer tolerate being around the people involved in this Wednesday morning incident.
My friends kept telling me this was not the sort of action I would usually do to express my deepest disagreement on people. But what can I say? I can’t help feeling this way.
Melai had asked Weng where I was. Unconsciously, Weng told her that I chose not to go, despite the noble cause, vaguely describing my disappointment on a certain group. It was a sort of statement against them, she said.
Apparently, someone else overheard them. The next day, Airah came to me and told about the rumored they heard why I did not make it to the concert. In her terms, it was a sort of statement against some organization.
I honestly felt shocked hearing this from her. Obviously, I could never show how shocked I had been. I just told her I’ve been very tired about everything that has been happening to me to the point that I needed to get away and rest. I’m not sure if she took my answer seriously.
So where was I during the event? at home, staring at my laptop waiting for some miracle to happen. What that miracle is, I do not know. One thing’s for sure. I honestly can no longer tolerate being around the people involved in this Wednesday morning incident.
My friends kept telling me this was not the sort of action I would usually do to express my deepest disagreement on people. But what can I say? I can’t help feeling this way.
Melai had asked Weng where I was. Unconsciously, Weng told her that I chose not to go, despite the noble cause, vaguely describing my disappointment on a certain group. It was a sort of statement against them, she said.
Apparently, someone else overheard them. The next day, Airah came to me and told about the rumored they heard why I did not make it to the concert. In her terms, it was a sort of statement against some organization.
I honestly felt shocked hearing this from her. Obviously, I could never show how shocked I had been. I just told her I’ve been very tired about everything that has been happening to me to the point that I needed to get away and rest. I’m not sure if she took my answer seriously.
Monday, December 10, 2007
people. intolerance. and a few more stories you might be interested
Monday. CMC Carolfest. (sorry, no pictures available). A post on the people who made my day (or is that sarcastic in a sense?).
Ever since that Wednesday morning, I have become intolerant of their insensitivity and closed-mindedness. I guess one thing I've learned from them is to actually say no to everything that involves them, even if the activity or the favor that is, corresponds to a noble cause. I guess I just realized I have nothing against the ideology. It's the people that pisses me out.
Since last night, they have been asking me, or should I say pressuring me to not only attend that sort of charity concert, but attend all those late meetings (I must say, they never start meetings on time), work in the event, sell the tickets (which by the way isn't my talent at all. I even had to ask Weng to sell my cake raffle worth a peso each because I simply couldn't sell it) as well. I must say, I believe in the cause, really, but they simply tried my patience to the point that I could no longer tolerate just being with them. Although I did admit that I have no intentions of coming because of some family thing, they didn't take my no for an answer as expected. They kept saying, why not try asking permission again and probably my parents would give in eventually. crap. Am I only a mechanism here? Is there no room for respect? And since they've been treating me as nothing else but a mere physical body that is supposed to be added as a number to any form of movement, I'm really starting to sacrifice the ideology here.
And since I am feeling sort of congested in my college with them around, I decided to leave and instead man one of my organization's booth at the Palma Hall for the afternoon. And crap, when I arrived, no one was there except for a table with a recycled sign-up sheet taped on one side. wow, is this your idea of attracting applicants? I was thankful enough to see Karla and Tat arrived a few minutes after and accompanied me at the booth. And for almost three hours of getting bored by just sitting there, we were able to encourage two people to sign up - for the sake of friendship.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for the meantime. The rest of the day was interesting anyway.
A few minutes before four in the afternoon, I made my way back to my college for the Carolfest. Apparently, Karol had a class on the evening and so I had to take over. It wasn't all that bad except that because one organization didn't return the microphones properly last Friday, the next people to use it, the council that is, were not allowed to use it. In short, no microphone. And so everybody had to shout and crap, with almost a hundred people as audience. We haven't practiced our vocal chords for that purpose. Besides that, everything else went fine.
Only three organizations participated the Carolfest this year, MCO, CAST and Cineastes'. And honestly, they were all very talented. Not only were they good chorale singers, they all had the personality and the college spirit that gave last year's representative, CAST, a chance to make it to the second place.
MCO won this year, and I must say it, they were really good!
And since I have been assigned to take over the event, it has been accustomed of me to greet every participant. But since this is a group effort, I came to the leaders of the performances to congratulate them for having a well done performance.
I came up to one of the group leaders and told him how impressed I was with his team. He hugged me, said his thank you for my compliments on his group and started telling me how proud he was of his new members. Two of his singers were freshmen and if his other singers hadn't been active members of the organization this year, he wouldn't have thought of joining the Carolfest. Again, I told him they were really good and once more he said his thank you. I left to compliment the other groups.
After the Carolfest, Jam, Tin and I walked our way to the main library to buy credits for our cellphone. We were to meet Weng at the mall and we just couldn't leave without knowing where exactly she is. As the three of us were walking, I told Jam that I admired this group leader because of his impressive and exceptional leadership qualities. She must have been shocked to find out.
We met Weng, Tat and Karla at Starbucks. It has been a while since I had coffee there. A few minutes more, Gladdys accompanied us. This meeting became another ranting session as well as an avenue for sharing our thoughts and comments on life.
And did I forget, it is Weng's birthday today. She, along with four orgmates, presented an ad campaign for Ford. Hopefully, her birthday would be the group's charm to win for having the best ad campaign. Did I tell you how much effort she'd put in this, to the point that we had to delay data gathering for our thesis so that they could make it to the deadline.
She must have been tired. We were all tired for the day. And worse, our thesis is still on the rocks. We can't seem to make any sense out of our data and we won't seem to getting anywhere at all.
In denial. I think that's how it's called. In denial.
This is the last procrastination Weng and I will be doing for thesis. I need to force myself right now or at least someone has to remind me that I need to finish this thesis. Anyone interested for the job? Please apply. haha. and I mean, please...
Ever since that Wednesday morning, I have become intolerant of their insensitivity and closed-mindedness. I guess one thing I've learned from them is to actually say no to everything that involves them, even if the activity or the favor that is, corresponds to a noble cause. I guess I just realized I have nothing against the ideology. It's the people that pisses me out.
Since last night, they have been asking me, or should I say pressuring me to not only attend that sort of charity concert, but attend all those late meetings (I must say, they never start meetings on time), work in the event, sell the tickets (which by the way isn't my talent at all. I even had to ask Weng to sell my cake raffle worth a peso each because I simply couldn't sell it) as well. I must say, I believe in the cause, really, but they simply tried my patience to the point that I could no longer tolerate just being with them. Although I did admit that I have no intentions of coming because of some family thing, they didn't take my no for an answer as expected. They kept saying, why not try asking permission again and probably my parents would give in eventually. crap. Am I only a mechanism here? Is there no room for respect? And since they've been treating me as nothing else but a mere physical body that is supposed to be added as a number to any form of movement, I'm really starting to sacrifice the ideology here.
And since I am feeling sort of congested in my college with them around, I decided to leave and instead man one of my organization's booth at the Palma Hall for the afternoon. And crap, when I arrived, no one was there except for a table with a recycled sign-up sheet taped on one side. wow, is this your idea of attracting applicants? I was thankful enough to see Karla and Tat arrived a few minutes after and accompanied me at the booth. And for almost three hours of getting bored by just sitting there, we were able to encourage two people to sign up - for the sake of friendship.
Anyway, that's enough ranting for the meantime. The rest of the day was interesting anyway.
A few minutes before four in the afternoon, I made my way back to my college for the Carolfest. Apparently, Karol had a class on the evening and so I had to take over. It wasn't all that bad except that because one organization didn't return the microphones properly last Friday, the next people to use it, the council that is, were not allowed to use it. In short, no microphone. And so everybody had to shout and crap, with almost a hundred people as audience. We haven't practiced our vocal chords for that purpose. Besides that, everything else went fine.
Only three organizations participated the Carolfest this year, MCO, CAST and Cineastes'. And honestly, they were all very talented. Not only were they good chorale singers, they all had the personality and the college spirit that gave last year's representative, CAST, a chance to make it to the second place.
MCO won this year, and I must say it, they were really good!
And since I have been assigned to take over the event, it has been accustomed of me to greet every participant. But since this is a group effort, I came to the leaders of the performances to congratulate them for having a well done performance.
I came up to one of the group leaders and told him how impressed I was with his team. He hugged me, said his thank you for my compliments on his group and started telling me how proud he was of his new members. Two of his singers were freshmen and if his other singers hadn't been active members of the organization this year, he wouldn't have thought of joining the Carolfest. Again, I told him they were really good and once more he said his thank you. I left to compliment the other groups.
After the Carolfest, Jam, Tin and I walked our way to the main library to buy credits for our cellphone. We were to meet Weng at the mall and we just couldn't leave without knowing where exactly she is. As the three of us were walking, I told Jam that I admired this group leader because of his impressive and exceptional leadership qualities. She must have been shocked to find out.
We met Weng, Tat and Karla at Starbucks. It has been a while since I had coffee there. A few minutes more, Gladdys accompanied us. This meeting became another ranting session as well as an avenue for sharing our thoughts and comments on life.
And did I forget, it is Weng's birthday today. She, along with four orgmates, presented an ad campaign for Ford. Hopefully, her birthday would be the group's charm to win for having the best ad campaign. Did I tell you how much effort she'd put in this, to the point that we had to delay data gathering for our thesis so that they could make it to the deadline.
She must have been tired. We were all tired for the day. And worse, our thesis is still on the rocks. We can't seem to make any sense out of our data and we won't seem to getting anywhere at all.
In denial. I think that's how it's called. In denial.
This is the last procrastination Weng and I will be doing for thesis. I need to force myself right now or at least someone has to remind me that I need to finish this thesis. Anyone interested for the job? Please apply. haha. and I mean, please...
Monday, December 3, 2007
feudalistic, you say?
I'm actually starting to have problems with the word 'feudalism'. I feel like everything has been connected and attached to it that people might not actually have the full grasp of whatever they are fighting against.
Crap.
And when does loving my dad, and showing him that i love him by being honest with him became a manifestation of the feudalistic culture?
Beyond the theories I know, it is these values and biblical principles that have equipped me with all the decisions in my life, in which, modesty aside, have not failed me. It is through these values that i have learned and become the person that i am. To take away these values from me is to throw away everything that i have learned about life in my 21 years of existence.
I will definitely not throw away the value system that had brought me up, even if people think it's illogical, even if Marx says it is but an opium of the masses.
Or maybe, I don't really care if it's feudalistic or not because it's my dad. Anyone can argue all they want of how wrong i can be but what can i say? My family, God, they all come first before i could even think of anyone else, or myself.
sori. But when we talk of my family and my religion, the hell with feudalism!!! (bwahaha. the activists will definitely kill me for this one. hahaha pero kebs :D )
Crap.
And when does loving my dad, and showing him that i love him by being honest with him became a manifestation of the feudalistic culture?
Beyond the theories I know, it is these values and biblical principles that have equipped me with all the decisions in my life, in which, modesty aside, have not failed me. It is through these values that i have learned and become the person that i am. To take away these values from me is to throw away everything that i have learned about life in my 21 years of existence.
I will definitely not throw away the value system that had brought me up, even if people think it's illogical, even if Marx says it is but an opium of the masses.
Or maybe, I don't really care if it's feudalistic or not because it's my dad. Anyone can argue all they want of how wrong i can be but what can i say? My family, God, they all come first before i could even think of anyone else, or myself.
sori. But when we talk of my family and my religion, the hell with feudalism!!! (bwahaha. the activists will definitely kill me for this one. hahaha pero kebs :D )
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