I must admit, I am not exactly the kind of person who would be asking someone for something. In fact, I take too much time in making wish lists (e.g. for the office on Christmas) simply because I could not really figure out what I want. I guess God has taught me to live life the way it is without so much complaining.
But somehow, this holiday is different. Many times in my prayers God kept on telling me to ask Him of the things I want, exactly how I would want them. Obviously, not everything turned out the way I really wanted them but I don't blame God for these.
Anyway, for 2011, I came up with three things I would like to ask God. These things, I know, only He can give.
To the people who have been with me this past year, they would testify that I am actually a lot better than we all would have expected, thanks to God. But there are still moments when the pain just finds it way out of the cage, pricks my heart with a thousand pins and blocks my chest to get enough air to breathe.
For this Christmas,
I want God to totally heal the wound that causes me this pain. I want to be free.
There are still times when I find myself arguing within, that I did what I know to follow God and never did He tell me that I was wrong. Even how hard I try, I still feel it deep inside that I am still human and that I can be angry with him.There are still times when I just want to blame him, scream at him because of his selfishness, I was stripped off of God`s promises to me.
But I don`t want to be angry. I just want to live. For this Christmas,
I want God to cause me to forgive him despite all these, not for him but for Him.
Every time I feel my heart throbbing of pain, it makes me feel bad about myself, as if I am lost without knowing why. Questions like "If the man God told me I was going to be with decided that I was not worthy of his love, who else will think I deserve to be loved" still haunts me.
For this Christmas,
I want no more chains of depression and self-pity to bind me because it still hurts. I just want to be happy.
In summary, I just want to see myself smiling again, confident and caring free. I imagine myself that one day I will be able to look at the sky with the sun`s rays shining on my face as I dance gleefully because I am alive and God has allowed me to live this life.
