Dear God

I am once more at lost.

A part of me wants to stay. I love what I do and I am even more excited for the things that I am projected to do. You've given me the heart for humanitarian action and I am just in awe that I can actually do the two things I love the most at the same time: reach out to people and still be in the media as You have called me to be.

http://highmoonmedia.com

But a lot of things have happened and these have gotten worse over the past few months. I have been treated a subject, not as someone with potential. The things I have been doing lately were the things she did not want to do. I have been treated as stupid for not knowing; much of the information I needed to learn were being withheld from me. Interactions have been primarily based on mood swings and I have become a sponge expected to absorb every bit of emotional instability, bitterness and inequality.

I heard them talking too. She sends her intentions of leaving. My boss tries her best to withhold her, make her come back simply because she is valued. Honestly, I cannot blame my boss for that, she really is a smart girl, even smarter than I am. But as I see them haggle about her future, I see clearer that I will be only be kept because she will not be around. And when she comes back, I will return to the same old me, a mere and without potential subject.

That is why part of me wants to leave. I want to try new waters, better waters in fact and see the role You want me to play in this world. I have been at lost once and I do not want to be withheld again of the things God wants me to have.

When he gave me an informal offer, people around me believes this may be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Who would ever get an offer from an international organization whose director is also a Christian. I knew this is You working. I would never get this connection if it were not for You and through Your church.

But I am afraid of change. I have always been and You reprimanded me often for this. I am frightened of the people that I will be leaving. Furthermore, I am afraid to see myself leaving without learning anything and not being remembered, not necessarily for being great but at least for being a decent person.

I know the former was a blessing and I definitely do not want to walk out from that. But I do know as well that this is an opportunity placed by no one else but You. I am torn. I wish You could just tell me directly what I need to do. I want to follow You. When I decided to give my life to You, it is no longer I that live but You who live in me.

God, I wish for an easy exit on this one, no hard feelings, no conflicts, no riots.

As I listen to myself now, I guess it's time to be honest. Dear Lord, I want to leave and move towards the life that You want me to live. Give me the strength to say I am sorry. Give me the humility to admit my inability. Allow me to leave and be remember as a decent person who really did not give much care of herself when everybody did.

Most of all, give me the strength to be able to do Your will.

Always,
Your daughter

earthquake & tsunami in Japan

On the afternoon of 11 March 2011, an earthquake with a scale of 9.0 magnitude shook the eastern coast of Oshika Peninsula, Japan. The earthquake a massive tsunami with waves as high as 20 feet and destroyed Sendai. Japan, highly noted for its disaster preparedness specifically on earthquakes, now suffers the lost of at least 4,000 individuals with an estimate of 7,000 still missing.

Asahi Shimbun/ Reuters as published in Time

I was at the office watching CNN when all these were being tackled in the news. The network has shown footage of waters coming over Sendai as it happens. It felt like watching an end-of-the-world film and it gives us goosebumps knowing that this is not some fiction depicted visually. Somebody is really drowning out there.

God does not put us in trials that we cannot overcome, was my initial thought for Japan. May be not so quickly, but surely the Japanese can get through this. Being in a country that experience earthquake almost everyday, harsh as it may seem, surely they were the most prepared for this. And they will be able to stand up again.

This morning, I was reading James 5 for my devotions and God spoke about Japan. He specifically whispered to me His thoughts on this country through James 5:1-8.

 ¹Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries that are coming upon you! ²Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten. ³Your gold and silver are corroded, and their corrosion will be a witness against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have heaped up treasure in the last days. ⁴Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. ⁵You have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; you have fattened your hearts as in a day of slaughter. ⁶You have condemned, you have murdered the just; he does not resist you.

⁷Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. ⁸You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

Harsh as these verses may seem, God does not forget His people. He also shared His love to the Japanese by promising healing:

¹³Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms. ¹⁴Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

If there is one thing that I, a Filipino, a citizen of a third-world nation without a relative working in Japan, can do for a country that was never attached to me, can do is to see to it that they are being prayed for, that they are reminded to humble themselves before God, and that they be healed. I'm sure some of them have when we were the ones in distress.