big changes [2]

I am going to be part of that system...sigh...

Jam texted me while we were in the middle of the Noypi program the council organized with ABS-CBN. To my surprise, she congratulated me for being one of the two GMA Network scholars.

So I was happy, sure. And I felt like I had to tell my mom personally, not even on text message. I had to wait for her class to end.

And also, this is what my dad had always wanted. Scholarship. Sure job. GMA Network. And I guess, I was able to give him what he dreamed of.

But. Why do I have this but in life?

I'm not being ungrateful or anything. But after all the realizations I've had last year, do I really want to work for that network? A network based on the capitalist system whose priority is to hit the ratings which will attract advertisers and most likely lead to lesser journalistic standards.

I promised myself that I will not compromise whatever principles I have learned just to "sell". Moreover, I actually came to a point that I do not want to be associated with such organizations.

But again, here I am, blessed yet torn.

My dad says it's good to recognize the perils of that system, but running away from it is another thing. How can anyone idealistic run away from the chance to actually change the system?

I hate myself for feeling such.

But I am thankful, seriously (And I'm not trying to convince myself here)

In the words of Sir Arao, palibasa aktibista...

while passing by a cgg meeting...

(a non-activist hirit)

Tope and I were walking the steps of the CommRes lobby to the Office of External Affairs (aka Office of Research & Publications) to talk to Prof. San Pascual to check on the reservations for tomorrow morning's event. Apparently, she already left.

One of my orgs, CGG, was having an informal meeting at the ComRes lobby. As we were passing by:

"Martha!"

"Bakit?"

"We smell a new love team" (with background of "eee"s)

"he!" (turns around to leave) wag nyo 'ko simulan!" tope follows.

to tope, "pasensya na, excited ang mga taong magkaroon ako ng boyfriend." he laughs.

* now don't get started with me, please. excited lang kayo. wag naman si tope. ate na ako nyan. i'll have my time, okish?

tatsulok

(buklod. revived by bamboo)

Totoy bilisan mo, bilisan mo ang takbo
Ilagan ang mga bombang nakatutok sa ulo mo
Totoy tumalon ka, dumapa kung kailangan
At baka tamaan pa ng mga balang ligaw

Totoy makinig ka, wag kang magpa-gabi
Baka mapagkamalan ka’t humandusay dyan sa tabi
Totoy alam mo ba kung ano ang puno’t dulo
Ng di matapos-tapos na kaguluhang ito

[refrain]
Hindi pula’t dilaw tunay na magkalaban
Ang kulay at tatak ay di syang dahilan
Hangga’t marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan
At ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman

[chorus]
Habang may tatsulok at sila ang nasa tuktok
Di matatapos itong gulo
At ang dating munting bukid, ngayo’y sementeryo
Totoy kumilos ka, baliktarin ang tatsulok
Tulad ng dukha, nailagay mo sa tuktok

[repeat refrain and chorus]
[repeat refrain and chorus]
[repeat chorus]

Di matatapos itong gulo

while in j199 class...

In the midst of a discussion on development research, sir arao asked questions about our fashion for the day:

(I was wearing a black spag strap top covered by a white cotton blazer, and mind you, my nails are in raspberry red)

Sir Arao: Ms. Teodoro, why are you wearing that color? It's not as if this is the first time I've seen you in that.

"I've been very inclined to wearing red and black these past few days"

Sir: Exactly. Why?

"Something political"

Sir: See. I can understand the red but black... oh well, the black shirt day for the killing of journalists

* Actually, that's not exactly the reason. Black signifies death of democracy. Red signifies vigilance and activism.

Jam, a friend and ujp chairperson, comments, "friend, di ko na-imagine magkakaganyan ka"

sa totoo lang, "ako din"

sam is back!

acad mode

It's been a long time since I felt it deep inside. This time, I really want to do excellent in my academics.

Sure, I still question the meaning & satisfaction behind all these awards, but this time I really think I need an exit, an escape, a scapegoat to every battle I have to face. Just maybe, I could get away from all I have to be.

And I guess, I've already found some meaning in my life, the why to studying and being excellent. This time I feel my sense of direction in life, the same one I lost months ago for specific reasons I myself am not quite sure.

But hey, maybe I'll be great, or at least the experience. just maybe

marge & march: the battle is mine alone to lead

Changes have been taking place. Bikoy could only laugh at our stories now but I know for myself, he shouldn't be just laughing. He's supposed to be there.

He doesn't talk much now (well, he's always been like that) but this time, I see clearly that it is mine to lead. Everybody expects me to speak out and they will listen. I am the leader now.

But I can't be. I don't want to be. Bikoy is still there and in my heart he will forever be our chairperson, that person I stand behind to.

He says he's going for another step up the ladder, to the STAND UP university wide chapter, and he might even be an officer for the group. In all honesty, I don't want him to be. Selfish? Not really. I just want him to stay standing in front of me in this fight because I can't do it alone. People can't draw their strength in principle from me. I won't be able to survive.

But then, neither can I stop him from doing what he thinks he should be doing.

I guess I have to learn to be alone (again) and this battle will be mine alone to lead.

Can I really do it?

suicidal tendencies

I won't give up, I keep telling myself. In reality, I'm tired, exhausted and I know I can't live this way for a whole year.

Neither can I resign from my post. It only becomes a living proof that I really am giving up, that "he" has won against me and our principles.

But I can not take it anymore.

Then again, what is the easiest and safest, most beneficial exit from the council? Maybe I should die.

If I die at this very moment, technically I did not give up. My exit will be remembered as unexpected yet still honorable. The greatest part, I had the escape I wanted. But apparently, I won't die at this very instant.

So, do I go for suicide?

Haha. I'm not that stupid, but seriously I just have to get out or else, on a philosophical level, I still let myself die.

In the end, this is more than the suicidal tendencies I may have had but a reflection of my true self, the hybrid, before this identity dies.

Maybe it is time to say goodbye. The question is, to whom?

while in line...

My friends and I were at the canteen. Ate Viring, the Communication Research Department secretary caught my attention:

Ate Vi: Iha, pumapayat ka...

"huh?"

Ate Vi: Anong ginagawa mo sa sarili mo?

"talaga? pumapayat ako?" (with matching smile)

Ate Vi: Tingnan mo 'to, natuwa pa...

* but no. Even if I wanted to lose the fats around my arms, I can no longer seem to take control of myself. Siguro nga pagod lang ako. Pero naman, hindi pa nagsisimula thesis namin ni Weng, nagkakaganito na ako. Goodluck na lang sa graduation...

question

dahil sa movie marathon...

question: if you were to live for only three months more, what will you do?

answer: i will go bungee jumping and conquer my fear of heights!

tasking & completion form

Another message was posted on the council e-groups. Definitely, it was not as hard-hitting and troublesome as my last two posts. It was just a tasking and completion form filled out by Ruth and “him”. However, as I was reading it, the things written started to bother me.

For one thing, why will “he” point out his responsibilities with the CoR? It is not that I am being paranoid or anything of that sort. Technically, he is the chairperson and according to the constitution he is suppose to be an ex-offio, but I just had this feeling that something is wrong.

At the same time, as I look at my tasks, the only thing I had to do for CoR is to give the final list of CoR members and present house rules, easy as that.

I do not see myself easily thinking evil of others but I just felt it deep inside me that he will be trying to bypass me and grab the CoR projects I intentionally delayed, not because I want to do another political statement against him but because I cannot see any point of direction in the project.

Am I right with my gut feeling? Should I prepare myself for anything that might happen? Will I go for this suspicion?

Silence: an attempt to improve Taiwanese drama

This is by far the longest movie marathon I did. I watched 16 episodes in one sitting, which also meant a total of 16 hours of staring at the television with a minimal 30-minute break for lunch and do household chores, but that’s it.

For the record, Silence is the first Taiwanese series I have marathon-ed (if there is such a word) and I initially got hooked.
 
Silence is a 20-episode Taiwanese television drama series that features Asian cast, which includes Park Eun-Hye (Dae Jang Geum, South Korea), pop singers Andy Hui (Hong Kong) and Megan Lai, and Vic Zhou (F4, Poor Prince, Mars). Directed by Angie Cai (producer of Meteor Garden), the plot starts with two kids who were brought to a hospital, both meeting an accident. Qi WeiYi was to have his left leg placed in a cast while Zhao ShenShen suddenly lost her voice as a sign of trauma. Both discovered a secret passageway that led to an air raid shelter, and thus starting the friendship. Given that ShenShen could not speak, the two communicated by writing to each other . They promised to meet again on Christmas Day of 2006 to open the letters they had written for each other. However, just a week after their first meeting, WeiYi was sent back to London and both lost contact with each other.

Thirteen years later, WeiYi becomes the general manager of a multi-national company. Notorious for being cold and cruel, WeiYi fired a senior employee who happens to be Shenshen’s surrogate father and whose son, ZuoJun took responsible of the accident that made Shenshen lose her voice. Because of ShenShen’s sense of justice, she marched up to WeiYi to defend her surrogate father. In spite of the intention and her being mute, the situation led WeiYi to appreciate life and ended up falling for her without knowing that she is his friend from the hospital.

Plot complicates when WeiYi was diagnosed with liver cancer, to live only for three months more. He also then discovered that ShenShen is his childhood friend. At first, he tried to hide his identity and pushed her away by taking into consideration that ZuoJun is in love with her. However, the two eventually ended up being together until WeiYi breathed his last.

What makes this series really interesting is the use of sign language. Knowing that Park Eun-Hye could not speak Mandarin, she portrayed a mute half-Korean girl that communicates either by writing or by sign language. It is worthy to note that ShenShen uses Korean characters, and yet WeiYi still manages to understand her. (This can be credited from having the same origin, the ancient Chinese characters. Physically different, any member of the Mongolian race can understand different forms of the written Chinese characters and get the same meaning.)

Unlike Korean dramas that posit the idea that a character can be both a protagonist and an antagonist  at the same time and things can not always be perfect (e.g. Full House, South Korea), the characters in this story remains on only one side of the dichotomy. However, it manages to play up the same sense of sympathy or normalcy of human reaction as any other series would.

The most deprived character in the series would be Mi Xiao Guang (Megan Lai, Taiwan), Qi Weiyi’s fiancé. Even if WeiYi breaks off from their engagement, Xiao Guang pursues him still until she eventually learned that her only way of loving WeiYi is letting him be with the woman he loves.

Huang Zhi Ye, nicknamed Yellow (Kingone, Taiwan), the guy who loved Xiao Guang but never won her is another deprived character and may receive sympathy from the audience.

The character audience would most likely hate to is ZuoJun, the man behind the long chase between WeiYi and Shenshen. Almost selfish and inconsiderate, he forcibly did not give Shenshen up even long after he found out WeiYi was dying.

In line with the actors’ performance, it was not as efficient. Comparing Vic Zhou from Kwon Sang Woo (Stairway to Heaven and Sad Love Song, South Korea), there was lesser crying even if the situations were considerable heartbreaking. Take for instance episode 18 where WeiYi videotaped himself telling his mom that he does not want to die, considering how happy he is with ShenShen, and episode 19 where ShenShen decided to leave him. WeiYi will be seen here dejected, almost teary eyed, singing but parting very minimal emotion to the audience.

It must be credited though that Vic Zhou showed some improvement in his acting compared when he was doing roles in Meteor Garden and Love Storm (Taiwan). However, he remained quite as stiff as if he did not want his hair getting messed up.

Park Eun-Hye’s acting was a little substandard compared to what we saw in Dae Jang Geum where she played a role which required crying as Jang Geum’s (Leee Young Ae) best friend Lee Yeon-Saeng. It must be the mute role she has to play, or the different cultural orientation of the director handling the show. Still, she was not able to effectively portray the emotions of ShenShen during the complications and tragedy she has to endure in the show. However, remembering her smiles and other facial expressions makes her at least pass the test.

The actress that seemingly stood out is Megan Lai who played Mi Xiao Guang. Her role as the overlooked ex-fiancé was justified as she can efficiently cry, intimidate other characters, and smile in an instant the moment Xiao Guang is confronted with the other characters in the story.

It’s disappointing to note the many inconsistencies demonstrated in the drama. Specifically looking at Xu Li, she starts out as the WeiYi’s heartless secretary in Qiang Dong. When WeiYi asks her of her dream in episode 10, she then becomes the wishful dreamer that aims to give hope to orphans like her. She becomes ruthless again in episode 15 as she is revealed to be Qi Zhen Yang’s illegitimate daughter and WeiYi’s older half-sister seeking only vengeance from her covetous father. She returns to becoming an angel as she discovers that ShenShen is a member of the same Zhao family she tries to bring down the Qi family in memory of for taking care of her secretly during times of despair.

There were also some inconsistencies in terms of narration. Episode 1 starts out in ShenShen’s point of view. WeiYi becomes the narrator by episode 7 and by episode 20, the story comes from ZuoJun’s point of view.
And by narration and story flow, too much chasing happened between WeiYi and ShenShen with ZuoJun in the middle. WeiYi finds out that Shenshen is his childhood friend in episode 7 but it is until episode 12 that ShenShen discovers about his identity. The couple are together in episode 15 and goes on until episode 18 where another complications happens and they become separated again. Instead of having 20 episodes, it seems like the show can be compressed to only 10 episodes.

A considerable noteworthy scene would be when WeiYi felt pain during Huang Zhi Ye’s sister, Huang Zhi Ling’s birthday party. No one except Xiao Guang knew he has liver cancer. ShenShen saw him in pain and was quite worried. She comes close to him to check, and he embraces her in pain. No dialogues, long angle close up shot makes this scene an effective expression of emotions without the clichés.

The script was rather satisfactory and should be given credit. There were, however, times in which the lines were clichés, and farfetched analogies were used just to make it sound melodic to the ear. Still, this is far from the cheesy, trying to be poetic by using metaphors and allusions yet overstated dialogues of the typical Filipino daily dramas on television.

The simple yet best lines delivered is in episode 10 where WeiYi chases ShenShen along lakeside, challenging that her love for ZuoJun is nothing but a mere sisterly love, he, knowing that he will only be living for three months more, then makes a inappropriate proposal:

WeiYi: Let’s make a deal. Be my girlfriend for 3 months and I will give you everything you want.

Offended, ShenShen slaps him in the face and walks out.

WeiYi: three months is my everything

A very interesting and worthy to be noted technique in the series is the usage of the song Try to Remember (Four Brothers), which became the object of parallelism through the timeline in the story.

Aside from that, music was not given as much importance as in Autumn in My Heart (South Korea), which uses the techniques cross fade to signify every development in the plot.

In terms of cinematography, most of the scenes were shot in symmetry, as though elements in the frame were layers of picture frames. However, the different camera techniques were not used as much of a device to add to the portrayal of emotions of the characters, similar to JuMong (South Korea).

Devices were never used effectively in the series. While a hand sign for lucky star was used, this gesture stays just a hand sign throughout the series. The supposedly signifier-signified tandem remains as shallow as that, whereas it could move further away similar to the lavender flower was used in Lavender (Taiwan) to reflect Xun Yi Cao’s (Yi Rong Chen) life and the teddy bears in Princess Hours (South Korea) to suggest the expressed and suppressed feelings of the different characters in the story or as an object of analogy as in the four gems in Encantadia (Philippines) reflecting the political, social, personal and familial relationship of its beholders.

There were excessive flashbacks on the succession of events with the same things being shown at almost every episode. Flashback as a device then becomes an overstatement and a boredom. While flashbacks can be used over and over again, a sort of variation and development can be added as used of the raining scene where a guy and a girl meets at a sheltered staircase in Summer Scent (South Korea). Almost every episode was this scene flashed. What makes it different and very effective is that as every development in the story unfolds, little by little, this scene becomes clearer. When Shim Hye-Won discovers that her heart donor, Soh Eun-Hye is Yoo Min-Woo’s ex girlfriend, the scene is once more flashes, this time revealing Eun-Hye as the girl.

In the end, while there is too much criticism and comparison, Silence can still be credited for reflecting an improving style of drama series compared to the other Taiwanese television weeklies, but there is still work that needs to be done  to be as competent as the South Korean series is to the Western seasonal shows.

(photo credits: www.geocities.com/tjinsen/f4/silence/)

while shopping...

We were in a store in Glorietta. They were selling stress balls for quite a good price.

“Feeling ko kelangan natin ng stress ball habang nagmi-meeting ang council, para pagna-adjit.”

“Kaya lang masyadong malabot e.”

“Di ba dapat lang talaga malambot, para madali syang i-press.”

“Hindi, para pag naiinis ka kay -----, pwede mo na rin ibato.”

curtain call

This is the end of it all, the end of my waiting, the end of the feeling, and the end of the show.

Juliet must now sleep and pretend to die. Romeo will eventually put an end to his life and thus ends the love story.

Three years was spent for such a performance. Two months have I waited in line to see the show. Now that the long wait is over and I have seen the performance, I come to realize that too much time was wasted in line.

I see no point lingering on the story. It has to end, just like any other story, just like any other love song. We just have to accept that sometimes fairy-tales end happy but sometimes it does not.

However, we all have to move on from this tragic end, to stand from where we seat and accept that final bow.

Despite the heartrending finale, still I want to thank you for putting that smile on my face as I witness every detail unfold in front of me, as if I had not known, as if I had not read the very same story in a book.

I must have cried for its tragedy, or was it gravity that has just forced my tears to drop. Whatever reason it may be, it is finally over; the end of the show.

In those three years, the performers must have been very tired. Nevertheless, the efforts are never futile for we all see now the end of their hard work, perseverance and patience. It must be good feeling to have finally seen the fruit of their long preparation. It may be good to have finally rest, but I am sure they will also be missing everything else.

That is your final bow. The curtains close in.

Thank you and good evening.

one week registration assistant

As I was enjoying my fourth day of official summer vacation, I received a text message notifying me that I, for the fifth time, am a registration assistant. Did that make me happy?

Yes, because I have always enjoyed working in the journalism department, handing out the form 5a’s and checklist of every journalism student. At some point, this has become a way for me to recognize students, a remedy for my inability to remember names so easily. I enjoyed the business of the second day of registration, wherein students just kept coming in asking for the checklist while at the same time assisting others to have an adviser sign their form, students requesting for their class cards, and dormers needing the signatures of the department secretary and chair for their clearance. There is will not be an opportunity for us assistants to just sit down and rest even for 30 seconds, and I just love the feeling.

Then, despite this, I doubted another RA experience. I do not want to be accused of using this opportunity to be known by students to prepare the person for candidacy in the student council.

No, because again, the Sunday was actually my 4th day of summer vacation, and I know I will become even more restless than before as school starts. I need all the vacation I can get before I face an endless passage of trials.

But hey, my conscious cannot afford to decline the call of service.

I hate myself.

deborah

More than a year ago, a missionary pastor came to the youth service of our church. I never really knew his name but as far as I can remember, one of the missionaries who had been with the church invited him.

He stepped foot on the stage and started preaching. I can’t fully remember what it was about but I’m quite sure I came from the backstage and sat on the only available chair, which was on the front row, not my favorite spot.

He started calling out from the audience, giving them words of prophecies and encouragement, some from the front, some from the back.

Then, he stopped in front of me, held out his hand to me and called me Deborah. “You’re almost ready.”

Now, I’m no longer sure what specific lines were delivered next (it seems my journal has failed me today) but from how I remember the scenario, my initial response was “I hope I am.” He immediately rebuked me for my statement and told me to believe in what God says.

A week before this, another missionary told me that I was to go through something difficult that will serve as a foundation to who I will be.

After my brother’s sort-of rebellion, my arguments with the student council secretary because I couldn’t tolerate her glory seeking, going through 21 units of academic load, 15 of which are major subjects, literally going through each day at a time because of all the things I needed to accomplish, I thought I had gone through “it” already.

Sixteen months later, I come to realize that’s not it. I can’t say it was useless but what happened to me the previous year had opened the door to a much bigger arena and the battle hasn’t really started yet.

This morning’s devotion talked about Elisha’s desire for double the anointing he had witnessed from Elijah. Elijah in turn brought him to four different places so that in the end, Elisha will be blessed of what he asked.

The four places are as follows:
Gilgal – place remembered for circumcision, an act that signifies cleanliness
Bethel – place where Jacob built his personal altar when he dreamt that the heavens had opened upon him
Jericho – the very first place the Israelites had battled to claim the promise land
Jordan – usual place for baptism

Jericho is now in front of me. I know I have to put the walls down and I know just how to do it.

Now I realize what Deborah meant. Now I know what it means to be almost ready.

Deborah must now leave the tree in which she rests. She will lead the Israelites to battle, despite her being a woman. She knows what she has to do, and there is no turning back now. She must leave her comfort zone and fight the battle she was called for.