wish list

I must admit, I am not exactly the kind of person who would be asking someone for something. In fact, I take too much time in making wish lists (e.g. for the office on Christmas) simply because I could not really figure out what I want. I guess God has taught me to live life the way it is without so much complaining.

But somehow, this holiday is different. Many times in my prayers God kept on telling me to ask Him of the things I want, exactly how I would want them. Obviously, not everything turned out the way I really wanted them but I don't blame God for these.

Anyway, for 2011, I came up with three things I would like to ask God. These things, I know, only He can give.

• Freedom

To the people who have been with me this past year, they would testify that I am actually a lot better than we all would have expected, thanks to God. But there are still moments when the pain just finds it way out of the cage, pricks my heart with a thousand pins and blocks my chest to get enough air to breathe.

For this Christmas, I want God to totally heal the wound that causes me this pain.  I want to be free.

• Forgiveness

There are still times when I find myself arguing within, that I did what I know to follow God and never did He tell me that I was wrong. Even how hard I try, I still feel it deep inside that I am still human and that I can be angry with him.There are still times when I just want to blame him, scream at him because of his selfishness, I was stripped off of God`s promises to me.

But I don`t want to be angry. I just want to live. For this Christmas, I want God to cause me to forgive him despite all these, not for him but for Him.

• Happiness

Every time I feel my heart throbbing of pain, it makes me feel bad about myself, as if I am lost without knowing why. Questions like "If the man God told me I was going to be with decided that I was not worthy of his love, who else will think I deserve to be loved" still haunts me.

For this Christmas, I want no more chains of depression and self-pity to bind me because it still hurts. I just want to be happy.


In summary, I just want to see myself smiling again, confident and caring free. I imagine myself that one day I will be able to look at the sky with the sun`s rays shining on my face as I dance gleefully because I am alive and God has allowed me to live this life.

Christmas party for the kids 2010

On your wedding day

My prayers are with you on your wedding day.

Actually, they have always been with you. When you went out to war, I cried daily for your safety. I almost hurt myself beating the floor in prayer when you first declared that God was worthy of your praise. When your spirit died, I prayed for your revival, without really thinking of the possibility that you may never be with me.

But this is love and obedience. When I decided to trust God’s promise that we were going to be together, I was actually hoping that God would be faithful as much as I would be. I really thought that through my prayers, I would be able to pull you out of that dungeon and aid you in breaking away from those chains of doubt. I guess, in your eyes, I was not good enough to help you out.

So this is how it feels like, wanting to spend every waking moment asleep as every minute awake reminds me of the reality that you did not choose me. And no prayer, no blood, or sacrifice could ever change that.

But I don’t regret ever saying a prayer for you. In fact, I pray for happiness more than you deserve. I pray that God will open your eyes so that you will be able to see that God has always been with you and His angels have kept you safe every time you are deployed.

I pray that you realize your worth in life. You do not need to do so many things to prove your value. Your parents have always been proud of you. You do not need to be as intelligent as your eldest brother, as creative as your sister, and as charming as your other brother. You are valued for the man that you are.

The impulsive decision-maker that you are, I pray that you do not regret this decision with her. Whenever you feel like complaining, whenever you feel like she does not understand, whenever you would doubt if ever you really made the right decision, keep in mind that there are two people in this world who sacrificed their future for you to be together.

I pray for unending happiness with her, with God’s eyes and favor upon you both.

One day I will be able to face you again, hopefully with a complete understanding of what has happened. On that day, hopefully, I have been flying free. I would be able to smile at you like when we were little and adore your children the same way I had loved the kids around me.

For now, allow me to rest my heart. It has been wounded too much for too long I do not even think it throbs. But I will be all right. God has always made me feel better. You know, I am a lot stronger than I seem.

Until then, my prayers are with you, as it had been when I started praying for you nine years ago.

Bohol plunge

My friends and I visited Bohol for a vacation. They came a day earlier which was all right since I already had a tour in Bohol as a side track from work. For my first day (and their second day), we visited an adventure camp in Danao, four hours away from the provincial capital Tagbilaran City.

So far, one of the craziest thing I ever did. An easier version of bungee jump, the plunge is a swing adventure feature in E.A.T. Danao mounted over a 200 meter high and 300 meter wide gorge.

Oh, and did I mention? I am acrophobic.But yeah, it was fun.

An inspiring painter

Local news reported inspirational Filipino painter Joey Velasco passed away on July 20. He died of kidney cancer complications yesterday afternoon.

I had the privilege to interview the great artist last year for a personality profile to be published in the magazine I was then working with. He warmly invited us to his meticulously designed home. As we entered his house, much of his paintings were leaned against every wall as they were freshly taken out of the package from an exhibit in Cebu.

He truly had an amazing story to tell, much of which were already featured in the news (e.g. Probe Profiles). He was not born an artist nor did he never had formal training in painting. He described this talent as a sudden God-given gift that had saved him and could save others by sharing through visuals of the Lord’s love.

I asked him if anyone had offered to buy his paintings. He told us of a time a great patron wanted to buy his most famous painting Hapag ng Pag-asa. He was at the point of selling his painting when his grade school son left a note for him. I had the privilege to read his son’s letter which he took out from his pocket aloud for the group.

His son, only seven then, begged his dad not to sell the painting to anyone as he will work hard to earn a great deal of money to be able to buy painting. I remember myself in tears as I handed the letter back to Joey.

Early this year, he gave me a call. It was even embarrassing that I forgot who he was at that moment of the call and he had to remind me that he was “the painter”. We talked a few about the article on him and he then asked me of my work in the magazine. When I mentioned that I had already left that job, he immediately mentioned that he intended to ask that I write for him a few essays on his paintings. He wanted to provide an artist perspective of his paintings through words.

I’ve always wanted to get back to him on that as he said there will be another time for that. Obviously, there will not be another time but his offer then inspired me to try art reviews as well.

I will be posting a few essays on some of his paintings that touched me as a tribute to the painter that has inspired me to write.

Goodbye

So much has happened. So many things have to be kept hidden. Then again, God's sense of humor will reveal all that we try to deny.

I have been waiting that the story would come from you, but I guess you have no intention to tell me. Make me a fool, make me believe that nothing has changed and nothing will. Keep on denying but I would rather live my life better than this.

You said you were going. I'm glad you are. It will give me the chance I have been waiting for quite some time now.

I've been wanting to go. I'm fed up waiting for your story. I'm so tired of you.

When you come back, I won't be there to greet you. So take care of yourself and make the right decisions. Better yet, ask someone for advice because you don't know how to decide. You are selfish and short-minded, you don't know what your actions can lead to, the same way you did not know how you almost made me stumble.

But I will stand up from waiting for you practically half of my life. And now, I desire to meet someone else now, someone who will save me from this lonely life and miseries.

I hope you will be a better person after two years. I hope you do well. And I promise you, I will.

Goodbye.