Dear God

I am once more at lost.

A part of me wants to stay. I love what I do and I am even more excited for the things that I am projected to do. You've given me the heart for humanitarian action and I am just in awe that I can actually do the two things I love the most at the same time: reach out to people and still be in the media as You have called me to be.

http://highmoonmedia.com

But a lot of things have happened and these have gotten worse over the past few months. I have been treated a subject, not as someone with potential. The things I have been doing lately were the things she did not want to do. I have been treated as stupid for not knowing; much of the information I needed to learn were being withheld from me. Interactions have been primarily based on mood swings and I have become a sponge expected to absorb every bit of emotional instability, bitterness and inequality.

I heard them talking too. She sends her intentions of leaving. My boss tries her best to withhold her, make her come back simply because she is valued. Honestly, I cannot blame my boss for that, she really is a smart girl, even smarter than I am. But as I see them haggle about her future, I see clearer that I will be only be kept because she will not be around. And when she comes back, I will return to the same old me, a mere and without potential subject.

That is why part of me wants to leave. I want to try new waters, better waters in fact and see the role You want me to play in this world. I have been at lost once and I do not want to be withheld again of the things God wants me to have.

When he gave me an informal offer, people around me believes this may be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. Who would ever get an offer from an international organization whose director is also a Christian. I knew this is You working. I would never get this connection if it were not for You and through Your church.

But I am afraid of change. I have always been and You reprimanded me often for this. I am frightened of the people that I will be leaving. Furthermore, I am afraid to see myself leaving without learning anything and not being remembered, not necessarily for being great but at least for being a decent person.

I know the former was a blessing and I definitely do not want to walk out from that. But I do know as well that this is an opportunity placed by no one else but You. I am torn. I wish You could just tell me directly what I need to do. I want to follow You. When I decided to give my life to You, it is no longer I that live but You who live in me.

God, I wish for an easy exit on this one, no hard feelings, no conflicts, no riots.

As I listen to myself now, I guess it's time to be honest. Dear Lord, I want to leave and move towards the life that You want me to live. Give me the strength to say I am sorry. Give me the humility to admit my inability. Allow me to leave and be remember as a decent person who really did not give much care of herself when everybody did.

Most of all, give me the strength to be able to do Your will.

Always,
Your daughter

earthquake & tsunami in Japan

On the afternoon of 11 March 2011, an earthquake with a scale of 9.0 magnitude shook the eastern coast of Oshika Peninsula, Japan. The earthquake a massive tsunami with waves as high as 20 feet and destroyed Sendai. Japan, highly noted for its disaster preparedness specifically on earthquakes, now suffers the lost of at least 4,000 individuals with an estimate of 7,000 still missing.

Asahi Shimbun/ Reuters as published in Time

I was at the office watching CNN when all these were being tackled in the news. The network has shown footage of waters coming over Sendai as it happens. It felt like watching an end-of-the-world film and it gives us goosebumps knowing that this is not some fiction depicted visually. Somebody is really drowning out there.

God does not put us in trials that we cannot overcome, was my initial thought for Japan. May be not so quickly, but surely the Japanese can get through this. Being in a country that experience earthquake almost everyday, harsh as it may seem, surely they were the most prepared for this. And they will be able to stand up again.

This morning, I was reading James 5 for my devotions and God spoke about Japan. He specifically whispered to me His thoughts on this country through James 5:1-8.

 ¹Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries that are coming upon you! ²Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten. ³Your gold and silver are corroded, and their corrosion will be a witness against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have heaped up treasure in the last days. ⁴Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. ⁵You have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; you have fattened your hearts as in a day of slaughter. ⁶You have condemned, you have murdered the just; he does not resist you.

⁷Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. ⁸You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

Harsh as these verses may seem, God does not forget His people. He also shared His love to the Japanese by promising healing:

¹³Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms. ¹⁴Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

If there is one thing that I, a Filipino, a citizen of a third-world nation without a relative working in Japan, can do for a country that was never attached to me, can do is to see to it that they are being prayed for, that they are reminded to humble themselves before God, and that they be healed. I'm sure some of them have when we were the ones in distress. 

redeemed

A lot has happened these past few weeks. I was so ready to take another step. Just when I thought I was going to meet her - and tell her we're okay - the meeting only became the anticipated that never was.

Then I asked God. Why didn't He let me have this closure with her? 

He answered, You don't need to see her to finally say it's over.

And then He read to me Isaiah 43 which says:
¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
      And He who formed you, O Israel:
   “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
      I have called you by your name;
      You are Mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
      And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
      When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
      Nor shall the flame scorch you.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
      The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
      I gave Egypt for your ransom,
      Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
      You have been honored,
      And I have loved you;
      Therefore I will give men for you,
      And people for your life.
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
      And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
      Bring My sons from afar,
      And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
      Whom I have created for My glory;
      I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”
 
¹⁰ “ You are My witnesses,” says the LORD,
     “ And My servant whom I have chosen,
      That you may know and believe Me,
      And understand that I am He.
      Before Me there was no God formed,
      Nor shall there be after Me.
¹¹ I, even I, am the LORD,
      And besides Me there is no savior.
¹² I have declared and saved,
      I have proclaimed,
      And there was no foreign god among you;
      Therefore you are My witnesses,”
      Says the LORD, “that I am God.
¹³ Indeed before the day was, I am He;
      And there is no one who can deliver out of My hand;
      I work, and who will reverse it?”
 
¹⁸ “ Do not remember the former things,
      Nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I will do a new thing,
      Now it shall spring forth;
      Shall you not know it?
      I will even make a road in the wilderness
      And rivers in the desert.
 
²¹ This people I have formed for Myself;
      They shall declare My praise.

I was playing "Holy is the Lord" from my computer and then I suddenly felt to urge to dance. My hands were lifted up as I swirl across my room, a smile on my face.

He then reminded me of the scenario I wrote in my "wish list" post, to which I said to myself I will one day be dancing again with joy because He has set me free.

It's over, He told me. You have been redeemed.

Boyce Avenue - Firework

Boyce Avenue - Firework

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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ‘em what you’re worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ‘em all in awe, awe, awe

oh… You’re gonna leave ‘em all in awe, awe, awe

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

Don’t let them to take your life for granted
you’re the only one who needs to rule your world
When life leaves you feel empty-handed
Lie low and show ‘em what you’re worth

New Year's Eve

for 2011

I was listening to an online Christian radio station, K-Love. Their question for the day was:

What is your one word for 2011?

It may signify a vision, a goal or a resolution.

My word for 2011? Revival.

With all that I have been through last year, I am hoping and claiming one of the best years ever; a year filled with God’s presence and power in my life; a year that God exists in my life beyond reasonable doubt; a year filled with so much more than this life I have at the moment.

My verse to claim for this year? Psalm 118:15-24

¹⁵ The voice of rejoicing and salvation
         Is in the tents of the righteous;
         The right hand of the LORD does valiantly.
 ¹⁶ The right hand of the LORD is exalted;
         The right hand of the LORD does valiantly.
 ¹⁷ I shall not die, but live,
         And declare the works of the LORD.
 ¹⁸ The LORD has chastened me severely,
         But He has not given me over to death.
      
 ¹⁹ Open to me the gates of righteousness;
         I will go through them,
         And I will praise the LORD.
 ²⁰ This is the gate of the LORD,
         Through which the righteous shall enter.
      
 ²¹ I will praise You,
         For You have answered me,
         And have become my salvation.
      
 ²² The stone which the builders rejected
         Has become the chief cornerstone.
 ²³ This was the LORD’s doing;
         It is marvelous in our eyes.
 ²⁴ This is the day the LORD has made;
         We will rejoice and be glad in it.

This is God’s promise to me for the year. This is going to be my blessing. I am just so excited to experience how God will make things better for me.

wish list

I must admit, I am not exactly the kind of person who would be asking someone for something. In fact, I take too much time in making wish lists (e.g. for the office on Christmas) simply because I could not really figure out what I want. I guess God has taught me to live life the way it is without so much complaining.

But somehow, this holiday is different. Many times in my prayers God kept on telling me to ask Him of the things I want, exactly how I would want them. Obviously, not everything turned out the way I really wanted them but I don't blame God for these.

Anyway, for 2011, I came up with three things I would like to ask God. These things, I know, only He can give.

• Freedom

To the people who have been with me this past year, they would testify that I am actually a lot better than we all would have expected, thanks to God. But there are still moments when the pain just finds it way out of the cage, pricks my heart with a thousand pins and blocks my chest to get enough air to breathe.

For this Christmas, I want God to totally heal the wound that causes me this pain.  I want to be free.

• Forgiveness

There are still times when I find myself arguing within, that I did what I know to follow God and never did He tell me that I was wrong. Even how hard I try, I still feel it deep inside that I am still human and that I can be angry with him.There are still times when I just want to blame him, scream at him because of his selfishness, I was stripped off of God`s promises to me.

But I don`t want to be angry. I just want to live. For this Christmas, I want God to cause me to forgive him despite all these, not for him but for Him.

• Happiness

Every time I feel my heart throbbing of pain, it makes me feel bad about myself, as if I am lost without knowing why. Questions like "If the man God told me I was going to be with decided that I was not worthy of his love, who else will think I deserve to be loved" still haunts me.

For this Christmas, I want no more chains of depression and self-pity to bind me because it still hurts. I just want to be happy.


In summary, I just want to see myself smiling again, confident and caring free. I imagine myself that one day I will be able to look at the sky with the sun`s rays shining on my face as I dance gleefully because I am alive and God has allowed me to live this life.