asking God why

"Di ba sabi sayo ni God kayo? Bakit nangyari sayo 'to?"
(Didn't God tell you, you were going to be together? Why did this happen to you?)

I remember my best friend telling me that a few months ago. She, who recently declared that she no longer believes in religion or God, cares so much for me that I'm sure she did not state those words to offend God or my religion. It was an honest observation. Too honest in fact that I dreaded the day she will be saying this to my face.

But she did anyway. She had to. It was her being my friend. And this is also why I have always doubted telling her that the only reason I held on to him despite our complicated and seemingly unfair situation was that God wanted me to. She always had doubts with religion but she never questioned me for what I believed in.



And I did tell her because God wanted me to. If the situation did turn out well, I know the message will be so strong, they will most likely be more open in hearing God's message of salvation and hope.

But it didn't. And I know she is as hurt seeing me devastated, questioning, and at the verge of breaking down.

"Ewan ko (I don't know). I stopped asking why," I told her.

"Parang lang kasing ang unfair. Naging mabait ka naman (It just seemed unfair. You've been good), "she answered.

"Ayokong magkaroon ng dahilan para magalit kay God (I don't want to have any reason to be angry with God)."

Even before he got married, I found myself letting go of the need to know why. Some people would call it faith. Some would call it trust. As for me, I just had to let it go. Asking why usually stirred up negative emotions toward him and God, which I know is wrong. At the same time, I don't want to be the loser in this story. That is just an insult to my pride.

Here am I now, a year after the situation. It seemed that God called me as if wanting to hear that question. I was quite apprehensive at first, being frightened of what He has to say. But finding myself in an already very confused state of mind, I know I had to ask to help me clear my head.

And then He said, "Para maintindihan mo ang pakiramdam ng inayawan (So that you would understand what it feels like being disapproved)."

It struck me then, how I despised that feeling. I hated being reminded of it, partly the reason why I eventually stopped praying for him.

And God then emphasized, "Dalawa tayong inayawan (We were both disapproved)."

Indeed. It was not I directly that he rejected. He decided that he can live his life better without consulting God which in turn compromised my future with him. I was never alone and God was never just beside me.  He felt what I felt. Every tear I cried, He cried as well. We went through this together and so I cannot have any reason to be angry with Him. In fact, He feels the same whenever man disproves of Him. He loves us dearly and remains faithful until the end and yet man still rejects Him.

God also pointed out that His Will in my life has not changed. Circumstances may change but the end point will still be the same. God's will was never about a specific event or time frame. The Will of God is relative to man's journey towards Him. The real issue is in the heart. His Will will not change as long as the heart remains for Him.

God never desired evil or pain in my life but He allowed this to happen because He wanted me to understand rejection from another point of view. He loves me so much, He desired that I have a heart beating like His - compassionate and faithful despite being disapproved.